This RPG is pretty gross.
1 "Draw the kind of violence or shameless sexist material that Palladium is too timid and socially conscious to print itself."
2 "To get the perfect effect, the character should have no shirt on (female characters especially) and have a really good war face."
3 "Anyone who has so little regard for your feelings as to let a character like Erin Tarn get killed (whether intentionally or not) in the fashion you destribe is not a team player and probably not the kind of person you that you want to be associating with."
4 "Caucasian, slighly overweight but very attractive."
5 "Exposure to the cloud for more than 10 minutes will cause hair to start falling out and skin to burn and peel."
6 "However, the Vaudevillain will NEVER steal, con, or cheat to obtain his pies."
7 "For example, a woman who is being sweet-talked by her male companion may be made to kiss him if perceived to be nice, or slapped if he's being a creep or a cad."
8 "Potty humor (and giggling about it) is high on his list of favorite things, as is writing in the snow with one's bodily fluids ('yellow snow, says hello'), sexual innuendos, spreadying rumors (even when he knows they aren't true), telling white-lies, false implications (I never 'said' that), using semantics, and parks like switching sugar with salt, or adding hot spices to sauces, surprising people with joy buzzers, whoopi cushions (makes a farting noise), burps, farts, spit balls, pulling down somebody's pants, putting a bug (snake, ice cube or other icky thing) down a victim's pants or shirt, putting ants in the sugar bowl, making mud pies mixed with doggie-doodoo, food fights, shooing a mouse into a crowd of women, serving chocolate covered insects, lighting smoke bombs and shouting fire, using stink bombs, and similarly disruptive and vulgar jokes are right up Backsmack's alley (along with some surprisingly clever and sophisticated ones)."
9 "The Entertainment Factor is similar to Horror Factor or Awe Factor, except it's funny and entertaining."
10 "The Humor Factor is similar to Horror Factor or Awe Factor, except it's funny."
11 "Hummina-Hummina Factor: 16."
12 "Now this isn't just any tourist, but 'The' Ultimate Pain in the Butt Tourist - a strange, whimsical, and chaotic monster (even if they look normal) whose life is dedicated to frequent vacation-style travel and adventure."
13 "Sgt. Brick blew him a kiss and made several obscene gestures that only Dog Boys would understand."

"Draw the kind of violence or shameless sexist material that Palladium is too timid and socially conscious to print itself."

posted by Alien Rope Burn Original SA post

quote:

Warning #1

The fictional Worlds of Palladium Books® are violent, deadly, and filled with supernatural monsters. Other dimensional beings, often referred to as "demons", torment, stalk and prey on humans. Other alien life forms, monsters, gods and demigods, as well as magic, insanity, and war are all elements in this book.

Bill Coffin posted:

... and then, he decided, he was going to do this great big, six part, Rifts sourcebook series called the Siege on Tolkeen, and he's like "Bill, you're my boy, you're going to help me write this." And I went, "No, man, I don't know about this, Kevin, I'm not really a Rifts writer." And he's like "Nonono, trust me, they'll love it, work with me on this." And I said, "Look, Kev, I mean, one of the big successes of a lot of your game worlds is the fact that..." - and this is true, if you look at most Palladium product - "... the game's settings are all built on this notion of unresolved conflict. There's always this war that's about to start. An evil that's about to break loose."

quote:

Some parents may find the violence, magic and supernatural elements of the game inappropriate for young readers/players. We suggest parental discretion.

Bill Coffin posted:

And the glory of that, see, especially, that approach, versus White Wolf, where a lot of these games have this very discretely defined metaplot that had an actual ending in kind of took the freedom out of the hand of the players. With a lot of Palladium games, their settings are set up such that players could really interface them very, very well on their own terms. You could take this and run in your own direction very well. The games can give you explicit permission to do that. And the Siege on Tolkeen was a direct violation of that compact with the players, I felt. So I had a really hard time swallowing this whole thing. And, frankly, Rifts- I've never even played Rifts. I'm not a Rifts writer, like, I don't know this game system, so.

quote:

Please note that none of us at Palladium Books® condone or encourage the occult, the practice of magic, the use of drugs, or violence.

Bill Coffin posted:

So what Kevin wants to do is he wants to have this story- this big series of sourcebooks that basically resolves this massive metaplot that much of the core game has hinged upon. Long story short, a lot of fans didn't really take it that well. They didn't really like the books a whole hell of a lot, there were certain parts about them they liked, certain parts about them they didn't like, and Kevin and I clashed a whole lot on what to do with this because... frankly, I wasn't feeling the project, I really shouldn't have been on it, but Kevin wanted me there, he had nobody else to write it with him. We had a lot of strife over that thing. After that, things were never quite the same.



Rifts Coalition Wars 1: Sedition - "Ironically, when one sees through the philosophical smoke screen and sociological propaganda, it is geography that's the real villain."

Let's recap. To understand the Tolkeen plot, we have to go back to the original Rifts book where Tolkeen is described in "Minnesota, a place under siege!", with the Coalition making the first scouting and skirmishes against Tolkeen. Erin Tarn basically writes it off even at the time, though, for the Coalition to battle the Xiticix bug-men to the Northwest. This would be reaffirmed in Rifts Sourcebook, which emphasizes the war will begin soon.

As Rifts focuses on different locations around the world, Tolkeen gets forgotten for a bit, but does return in Rifts Mercenaries, which slates a "Siege on Tolkeen" series for 1995. (It gets released in 200.) It presents it as a potential work opportunity for mercenaries, if problematic. Similarly, the conflict is referenced once again in Rifts World Book 10: Juicer Uprising, but it's not until the utter trainwreck of Rifts World Book 11: Coalition War Campaign that it really came back into the spotlight. With formal declarations of war against Tolkeen and Free Quebec, as well as a new army, the Coalition is poised to make their attack. Rifts Sourcebook 4: Coalition Navy gives us their aquatic forces, and Rifts World Book 13: Lone Star gave us more on mutant animals and the so-called "Xiticix killer". Rifts World Book 22: Free Quebec detailed the war between the main Coalition states and Free Quebec... which finally brings us to....



Wait. The warning wasn't done?

quote:

Warning #2

Without question, the reader's sense of reality will be assailed by bad puns, inside jokes, and silliness.

Oh. I'm so sorry.

quote:

Some parents may find the barriers of good taste breached by feeble attempts at satire, humor and spoof. We suggest parental discretion!

I'm going to keep you waiting on Coalition Wars a little while longer.

quote:

Please note that none of us at Palladium Books® condone or encourage anybody to take themselves or anything too seriously. Good natured fun is ... well ... fun!

I realized where we were at with The Rifter and well...

quote:

Serious gamers turn back, now! Do not read any more!! Palladium has this crazy idea that games are "entertainment" - and that they are supposed to be fun and sometimes downright silly! A potential resources for cutting-loose and being goofy with friends once in a while and a way to have a few good laughs.

If there ever was a time to do this, now is the time.

quote:

Read on at your own risk. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!

Only through pain can we be made pure.



The Rifter 9½, part 1: "Draw the kind of violence or shameless sexist material that Palladium is too timid and socially conscious to print itself."


Yes, it's time for Palladium jokes about Palladium jokes. That's how far down the rabbit hole I've gotten. Of course, given the size of the exit, getting out of the rabbit hole is the bigger dilemma. So, this is The Rifter™ Number Nine in a Half, subtitled A once in a Millennium April Fool's Spectacular & Collector's Item at one point, Y2K April Fools' Spectacular at another, and The Silly Side of the Palladium Megaverse®... so, you know. We have Palladium. Going for humor. Some of it is cute. Some of it is awful. Some of it will be outright offensive. None of it is actually by Wayne Smith. Instead, it's credited to fictional characters, but I'll just be putting the actual names of the writers next to each article, so blame credit can be properly assigned. And now it's the 19th anniversary of its release, so it's a perfect time to do it. I know, you'd think the 20th would be more perfect, but you'd be wrong. 19 is the perfect number for anniversaries. We've all been holding out, but it's time we admitted it to ourselves.



That cover's one of the funnier bits. We then get an editorial titled From the Desk of Wayne Smith™ in which the editor of The Rifter explains how to get your articles into the magazine: bribery, liquor, and flattery. It's a cute joke that wears awfully thin over the course of three-quarters of a page. It's not actually written by Wayne Smith.

Then, we get to Palladium News, Info, & Coming Attractions. Typically, this is where Siembieda fills up space with announcements of coming releases and recent appearances in a nicely space-filling catalog format. This time around, the opening news is Palladium Books sold to the famous Ferkelberger family. It's funny because Ferkelberger is a dumb name and he's a rich jerk!... I think... anyway, I think that's the joke. Pretty sure... no... yeah, that's... that's the "joke". Kevin and Maryann Siembieda have retired to Borneo.

The Rifter 9½ posted:

"It's really very nice here," said Maryann Siembieda, "although those wild men can get pretty obnoxious sometimes."

Next, its revealed that Kevin Siembieda & Steve Jackson are one and the same, and reveals that he's also acquired White Wolf, Wizards of the Coast, Kenzer & Co., Dream Pod Nine... "and others". Siembieda claims that "Steve Jackson" was just a pen name that got so popular that he led a double life. And that's why releases are so late. Also it turns out he's Steven Wieck of White Wolf and Jolly Blackburn, as taking on other identities "became an obsession, the ultimate roleplaying game". There were actual rumors of Palladium buying out other companies or vice versa running around on the internets at the time, and it's lampooning those. It was funnier at the time? Maybe?


The original version of this was really pixelated. It looks better shrunk down.

The preview of Siege on Tolkeen makes fun of comics by promising clones, new team line-ups, changing everything... etc. The Cyber-Knights get taken over by "Doctor Pepperheimer", which is funny because he has a dumb name that sounds like a soda! Joseph Prosek II is replaced with "his fun-loving clone" Lenny, which is also funny because Lenny is a dumb name! And there's some... uncomfortably sexist humor about the Coalition suddenly dressing up in pink ballerina costumes instead of skull armor, or "Is Erin Tarn really a man!?"



The Rifter 9½ posted:

And hey, if you hate it, a year or two from now we'll change it all back just like the comics do, and everything will be fine until the next great event. Yeah baby!

We have preview of The Palladium "Super" Third Edition (that is, their fantasy game)...

The Rifter 9½ posted:

... will introduce a revolutionary new game system the new owners fondly call, "Tell the freakin' story, we don't need damn rules in our way." This is another brain-child of [Bill Coffin] Peter Ferkelberger in which virtually no rules exist and the Game Master can do anything he wants.

"This goes beyond diceless," trumpeted the proud Peter Ferkelberger. "It is the ultimate in pure storytelling and chaos. Truly cutting edge concepts. It will revolutionize role-playing as we know it and will be the next big thing!"

Having used up all the cliches he could think of...

Wow, Coffin predicted Monte Cook's routine about a year early... though, actually, it's poking with surprising sharpness at Palladium alumnus Erick Wujcik's game Amber Diceless Role-Playing, which used similar claims. We then get an ad for a Rifter credit card that earns you 1 XP per dollar spent through it. "The Power to Purchase the Megaverse®." Well, that'd be the only practical way to could get a 15th level character in Palladium.

Next: I'm pretty sure Synnibarr did it first.

"To get the perfect effect, the character should have no shirt on (female characters especially) and have a really good war face."

posted by Alien Rope Burn Original SA post



The Rifter 9½, part 2: "To get the perfect effect, the character should have no shirt on (female characters especially) and have a really good war face."


Palladium game development.

Giga-Damage™
The next BIG thing from Palladium
By Bill Coffin Peter Ferkelberger


So, "Peter" has decided Mega-Damage is old hat, because if everybody has it, and that makes combat dull, since you have to strategize against equal foes.

The Rifter 9½ posted:

Why Palladium let everybody else get Mega-Stuff is beyond me, but I tell you, it's going to be the downfall of that company yet. (Editor's Note: Over the last 20 years, Percy has predicted the imminent demise of Palladium Books 241 times.)

Take that, naysayers! Aren't you just big dummies! Essentially, Giga-Damage converts to Mega-Damage on a 1,000,000:1 ratio - one Giga-Damage equals one million Mega-Damage. In general, the only thing that has Giga-Damage are "small planets" and Giga-Armor. The whole article, of course, is lampooning the most powergamey end of Rifts.


I don't get it, but maybe you do.

Giga-Stuff

So, we're informed that Giga-Stuff was designed by the Coalition to murder everybody else thanks to Leopold Jupiter, Percy (Peter?) Ferkelberger's PC. Jupiter is a "Giga-Damage creature" with the "Giga-Psionic" power of annihilate enemies, and we're helpfully informed he can murder anybody. Also, a big list of guns!

Referencing the "MAC II" of Robotech

Giga-Damage Q&A

Apparently Ferkelberger has been getting flamed and death threats by smart people, and so we get a faux Q&A to fend them off. Firstly, there's no Giga-Armor so PCs can only be the ones with Giga-Weapons and murder all the things.

The Rifter 9½ posted:

Besides, the time I spend writing up Giga-Armor could be much better spent playing Giga-Bots and Giga-Babes™, my awesome new collectible card game. (Editor's Note: Be afraid. Be very afraid.)

Okay, sure. Shooting non Mega-Damage targets with Giga-Damage weapons retroactively removes them from existence and changes the timestream. Also, you can shoot at space and time with one and cause a rift. But upgrading Mega-Stuff into Giga-Stuff can only be done by another of Ferkelberger's PCs, Rollo Masamune, a 100th level Operator with a fully automated G.D.C. Triax Ulti-Max power armor. (That was the supposed competitor to the Glitter Boy in Rifts Sourcebook - it never was.) He thinks magic is lame, but decides he should probably upgrade that Ulti-Max with some. Also Giga-Weapons can murder gods and Superman. Of course, all of this is with a backstory about how his characters changed history so they're rulers of a new Coalition and murdered everything else... speaking of which.


I think this was a character in HōL.

Giga-Adventures

Though rifts, he suggests going to any world you like and murdering everything from other Palladium games and then your favorite movies and TV shows.

The Rifter 9½ posted:

With Giga-Damage gizmos you can terminate the Terminators, destroy the Death-Star, and boldly go wherever the heck YOU want! Get the idea?

We get adventure hooks like Tolkeen Must Die!, where you have to balance annihilating Tolkeen and keeping their vaults intact to take their magical artifacts. There's The NGR Must Die! where it suggests you slice Germany off of Europe so it's set adrift at sea, and then shoot at it until it sinks. Then we have All Cosmo-Knights Must Die!, where you blow up a sun to attract their attention and then murder them all to prove how tough you are. Finally, we get Repeat your Favorite Adventures by rifting to another world and blowing up the same stuff all over again. Of course, when you realize Coffin didn't play Rifts and did find it fairly silly, well... it makes the whole article feel a bit more earnest. If anybody remembers anything about The Rifter 9½, it's usually this article.

Tera-Damage is promised for release in Y3K. It's then explained that Giga-Damage is only being added because the Felkyl... Fek... Ferklberg- I'm not scrolling up to check the name, who can bother? They have "incriminating evidence" to blackmail Palladium staffers with. This includes them "whooping it up at a monster truck rally" and "dropping water balloons from a hotel window at Gen Con".

That's funny!

Next: Snappy answers to stupid questions.

"Anyone who has so little regard for your feelings as to let a character like Erin Tarn get killed (whether intentionally or not) in the fashion you destribe is not a team player and probably not the kind of person you that you want to be associating with."

posted by Alien Rope Burn Original SA post



The Rifter 9½, part 3: "Anyone who has so little regard for your feelings as to let a character like Erin Tarn get killed (whether intentionally or not) in the fashion you destribe is not a team player and probably not the kind of person you that you want to be associating with."

Silly answers to some silly questions
By Julius Rosenstein J.P. Ferkelberger


Though a "joke" article, some of the answers are earnest and legit answers! Proof? Do I have proof? I've covered over thirty Palladium Books, there's your proof!

The Rifter 9½ posted:

Warning: Some of these questions and answers may be considered in poor taste. As as for being humorous. Um, humor is in the heart of the beholder? Yeah, that's the ticket. Fun Fact: 95% of these questions were actually asked by real people (you know who you are).

First off, we get a correction- some first printings of Rifts have a reference to the leader of the Coalition being "Emperor Tromm". This was a typo based on the character's working name, which later became Prosek.

The Rifter 9½ posted:

We find this both amusing and puzzling since where are only about 10,000 copies of Rifts® with the mention of "Tromm" buried in one, lone paragraph out of a 254 page book done in 9 point text, and there are over 140,000 copies of Rifts® with the correction. You'd think the name "Tromm" would have been forgotten by now.

Look, Rosenstein, there are plenty of typos, the fandom can't focus on them all.

Next, we get a question of whether or not the space battleship SDF-1 (of Robotech) could blow up Chi-Town, to which we mainly get finger-wagging over why you'd want to murder so many "innocent" people. Only their leaders are bad! Also, if it has to fight a Greater Old One wearing Mount Nimro as a suit (that's Palladium Fantasy minutae), it the old one would have 410,565 M.D.C., but it doesn't matter because the Reflex Cannon of the SDF-1 can blow up anything.

A player claims they have an issue with a human PC who keeps rolling natural 20s and performing the Boxing knockout blow on ridiculous targets like giants, robots, and gods. Technically, this is a literal interpretation of the rules, so we get some "guidelines" (which are actually rules) that only Mega-Damage creatures can do knockout punches on Mega-Damage creatures, the puncher has to be of comparable size, and robots and energy beings are immune to it.


Save us all from Coalition Funko Pops.

A fan asks whether or not they can give official stats for Pokemons, and what the Coalition would know about them. Palladium answers that they can't.

The Rifter 9½ posted:

Seriously, Palladium does not have the license for Pokemon, so we cannot offer any "official" stat or assistance in that respect, even if we wanted. Moreover, we do NOT have time or resources to provide free game rules, character stats, etc., upon request. Hey, creating characters for "your game" is YOUR job.

As for the Coalition, instead of trying to kill the Pokemon, they might try to catch them all, open a zoo and charge admission. Or start their own Pokemon tournaments, or...

So if you want to run a Coalition-based Pokemon game, it's now official. Well, it's like the song says:

pre:
I want to be the very best,
Like no one ever was.
To catch them is my real test,
To train them is my cause!

Otherwise I'll be drafted,
Into the Coalition Army.
Sent to the frontline,
And get shot by an Octoman.

Pokemon!
All hail Emperor Tromm!
I think that's how the lyrics went, anyway.

The Rifter 9½ posted:

Question: This is really embarrassing, but I have a problem I could use some advice with. I recently started going out with this girl who knew nothing about gaming. So, to get her involved in my Rifts® game, I let her play Erin Tarn as a character. Unfortunately, after a recent argument, she deliberately had Erin Tarn go toe-to-toe with a squad of Undead Juicers and go her killed. She claims that she was just playing in character but I suspect she got Erin killed out of spite. My other players are indignant about this because they do not want to be known throughout the gaming community as the group that let Erin Tarn get killed.

It's mentioned that perhaps a god from the Pantheon of Light could resurrect her, or that she could have just been a doppleganger or "a poor misguided woman with brain damage and a striking resemblance". Then again, it suggested that maybe she should break up with her instead because anybody who would get Erin Tarn killed is a big jerk.

The Rifter 9½ posted:

(If I may interject. My unofficial, smart aleck response is: Are you crazy?! Who in their right mind would like their girl friend - or anybody - play a pivotal, ongoing character like Erin Tarn in the first place? Don't you know how fragile relationships are? Don't you know that there is nothing worse than the wrath of a woman scorned?! Of course she killed Erin Tarn out of spite!! Just make sure you aren't next on your hit list, buddy!! - [Kevin Siembieda] Percy Ferkelberger)

No, you may not interject! Rosenstein's writin' here, pal! How rude is that?

The next question strikes me as probably fake, as a reader talks about the funny names his group has come up with the Xiticix as "City Chicks", Atlantis as "At Land This", and... Phaeton Juicer as "Fat on Juice, Sir". Ha ha. Ha. Hahahaha. Ha. I say it's probably fake because "City Chicks" is one Kevin's referred to before. But in truth, I can't say. But I just did say. It's fake. Probably. Also I have a hard time believing anybody but the author thought "Size Talker" was funny.

We get a question as to whether or not spit or pee count as "running water" for the purpose of injuring vampires, but it turns out that it's not the water itself but the "cleansing power and purity of the liquid that hurts vampires". Man, if you want cleansing power and purity, I'd think bleach would be better...

The Rifter 9½ posted:

And if you think an vampire gets angry from being spit on, you ain't seen nothin' until you've seen a vampire with a wet yellow streak running down his leg! Look out!

We're informed angel pee would be effective, if angels peed. Angels do not pee, however. A gamemaster asks how to deal with an evil Paladin who has seven rune swords as a player. Suggestions include having the weapons engage in harem-anime level antics of jealous shenanigans. Alternately, have him go up against a good paladin with eight rune swords.


But how much S.D.C. does a burger have? I mean, a bite does... 1d4? 1d3? Hm.

The Rifter 9½ posted:

Question: Why don't you have rules for "luck" in your game?

Answer: Duh, "luck" comes with every roll of the dice, genius. Chance and luck are built into every role-playing game that uses dice to determine the outcome. To put a luck skill "in" the game is redundant and silly.

Wow, shots fired, Basic Role-Playing, you gonna take that? We get a player who wants to use the Air Warlock spell dissipate gases to destroy people because they're mostly water, and water is part hydrogen and part oxygen.

The Rifter 9½ posted:

I have an uncle who is a walking gas bag - but the answer is still no.

We have a gamemaster running Heroes Unlimited asking a question. Now, in Heroes Unlimited, each character has only one or two power categories, but he has a player coming in from a different campaign who wants to bring in a character who has five power categories. It's suggested he prohibit the character, and that though they're open to people changing the game "characters like the one you described tend to be a bit ridiculous and are not much fun to play."

A reader asks if the Algor giants or the god Algor (from Palladium Fantasy) are named after Al Gore. They are not.

The Rifter 9½ posted:

However, now that you have brought this to our attention - oh, the possibilities. A monster named rossperot, hmmmm?).

I think we've had enough monsters in the White House during my lifetime, thanks. Another gamemaster has run into the issue where since successful skill rolls in Palladium are worth 25 XP, a player has just been having his characters backflip repeatedly (using the Gymnastics skill) for XP. We're informed skill rolls should only be worth XP when used to achieve a goal in the context of the game, and that normally a gymnast should be flipping as part of their basic practice anyway, which isn't worth anything. Another player suggests, since there's a game based on professional wrestling, how about badminton or another game? Which feels fake, but you never know. They say no.

Another player inquires about what to do when characters hit 15th level, which, uh, inspires a a classically Siembieda rant. I mean, it could be Rosenstein, but the tone of some of these answers has me suspicious...

The Rifter 9½ posted:

Answer: First of all, the reason that most (the vast majority) O.C.C.s and R.C.C.s is that we do not see many characters ever surpassing that. Ever here of an athelete reaching his "peak" level of performance, or the "peak of his career?" After a certain point, any additional improvements are incremental and barely noticeable. Additionally, in the real world, most atheletes begin to slow down from age (at the young age of 30-35, no less!) and/or suffer the effects of physical wear and tear on the body. Even superstars like Michael Jordan begin to tire a bit more quickly, slow down and become more prone to injury toward the end of their careers.

There should always be the possibility of error and accidents. NOBODY is perfect! Accidents happen and even the best have a slow day, stumble, slip, or have a bad day. You see this in professional sports all the time, and it should be an element of any good role-playing game. Having characters with truly awesome combat bonuses (i.e. +19 or 20 to strike, parry, etc.) defeats the purpose we had in mind when we created our combat system.

In our experience, we have found most players "retire" their high level characters upon reaching levels 10-12 to open for new, fresh characters to run and build. However, if you really insist on having an over-the-top, mega-power campaign, modify the rules and bonuses as you deem appropriate and rock on. We don't recommend it, but role-playing is very personal. Oh, to attain levels after 15, the character should have have to acquire at least 100,000-200,000 experience points, and experience should come much slower (i.e. slash the amount of experience gained in half) because they are already so experienced and powerful that things come much easier for them and they already know so much

Given it takes the average Palladium character over 10 years to hit level 15 RAW, I'd stop taking people at their word about hitting it. Save the sports analogies for another day. I wonder why Palladium gamers are so focused on high-power gaming, though? Could it be the games that inspire and encourage that sort of thing?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMqZ2PPOLik

Lastly, we get a question as to why gamers eat snacks and get fat, which seems like the fakest of questions, but okay. Anyway, they suggest exercise. I feel like at least some of this had to been ghost-written by Siembieda, or born out of conversations between Siembieda and Rosenstein. It just has so much of Siembieda's... je ne sais quoi.

Next: Friend-insertion Fiction.

"Caucasian, slighly overweight but very attractive."

posted by Alien Rope Burn Original SA post



The Rifter 9½, part 4: "Caucasian, slighly overweight but very attractive."

Where's Wayne?
A Heroes Unlimited™ Adventure
By Steve Sheiring Paulie Ferkelberger


Like Waldo, but Wayne. So, Wayne Smith, editor of The Rifter, has been kidnapped by a group known as the Motown Maniacs. I'm... not clear if that's a joke, or a reference to something, or what. We're told they're so feared that "no one on the streets" will snitch on them. Their scheme, such it is, is to keep him prisoner so he can run Palladium RPGs for them, stealing whatever he requests to try and keep him content while blocking his contact with the outside world.. (He doesn't know his requests are being provided for via theft.)


Wayne Smith via Ramon Perez.

The Rifter 9½ posted:

They so love playing Rifts® and other Palladium games, that they decided that it would be cool to get Wayne as their own personal Game Master and "gaming guru". (guess they don't know him very well, do they?)

The Rifter 9½ posted:

These misanthropes may be a bit wacko and goofy (Why else would they want Wayne?), but they are also dangerous, superhuman criminals.

We get a statblock for Wayne, who has "average" attributes; i.e. better than you're ever likely to roll, and is a "3rd level writer/editor and 5th level computer tech".

The Rifter 9½ posted:

He has a good sense of humor (we hope!), enjoys a good meal (and how!), a good night of gaming and a good-night "kiss" from his pet pooch, Alex. (The doggie not [Alex] Marciniszyn!!! Hey, this is a family publication, so get your minds outta the gutter!)

Don't inflict this publication on your family. I know some folks think that children were better behaved when we were allowed to threaten them with reading The Rifter, but studies just show it harms them later in life.


Bungee, Crashley, and Headcase.

So the Motown Maniacs are... I'm guessing they must be somebody related to Smith in real life, either his gaming group, friends, or both. It's never actually stated, but given some seem to be caricatures without obvious gags, it's the best guess. Either way, it feels like one big in-joke that's never explained. They include:
Burnout, Dusty, and Wizzer.

As far as somebody's in-joke and some solid Perez art, it's... fine? But it just comes across as odd, and the general lack of powers with the group means they're going to be pushovers if you actually play this rather than just a couple of pages to headtilt over. I'm not sure Crashley can do with a Computer Operation of 105%. "I've enabled God Mode in Windows 10! Look out! I have access to every system tool! Nothing can stop me!" And in case you think I skipped a bunch of jokes, I didn't, really. Most of the Motown Maniacs are played fairly straight outside of the setup, which makes the whole thing just really stand out as weird in this issue.

Next: Food is funny, right?

"Exposure to the cloud for more than 10 minutes will cause hair to start falling out and skin to burn and peel."

posted by Alien Rope Burn Original SA post



The Rifter 9½, part 5: "Exposure to the cloud for more than 10 minutes will cause hair to start falling out and skin to burn and peel."

Wacky Powers
Food Manipulation Powers
Foods as a source of power!
By Steve Sheiring and Kevin Siembieda Paulie & Percy Ferkelberger


So, now we have some superpowers related to food. Basically, Food Manipulation acts as a minor power, and you can choose any two of their listed food powers when you take it. Those that remember faerie food from Rifts Conversion Book should have a pretty good idea of what we're in for - a bunch of food puns and gags. Mind, I actually like the idea of silly food powers, but some of these... well. They're just puns rather than powers.

Take a deep breath, and let's get started. Try not to die from laughter. The list starts to get real weak. Mustard lets you throw things faster because mustered? Pickles confuse people because you're in a pickle I don't even- uh, orange juice lets you control light because Sunny D, I guess, which isn't orange juice? Oh, Spooning!... lets you fire spoonfuls of food at people for bad damage, so why do it? Because of the yuks, no doubt. Squeezeable Juicy Fruits can blind targets, Twinkies make you fast, and Wonder Bread makes you tougher because "Builds bodies 12 ways.". Sheiring Farm remembers.

Heroes & Villains with Unusual Powers
By Steve Sheiring Paulie Ferkelberger


Franz and Beanz
A dynamic food duo


So, this is a pair of superheroes that go from town helping people out. Like on Highway to Heaven, only with way, way more farting. They live out of the back of a van and off of "the goodwill of others", which seems like a stretch when one half of the pair goes around super-farting. Ironically, though we just got through this whole food power section, these guys have custom food powers anyway. As will all of the NPCs in this section. These "major" food powers are clearly too funny to be allowed in the hands of players.


I'm just glad this predated any "sausage party" "jokes".

Frank Smaczne has the power to use sausages and hot dogs as hardened batons for swinging or throwing, and gets solid bonuses for doing so, but they do piddly damage. For some reason this is a "major" power, but I guess his ability to instinctively distinguish sausages had to be balanced out somehow. Perhaps his most dangerous move is to throw flurries of four sausages at once... not real dangerous, you know, but... moreso. He has no personality other than being introverted and liking beer and wine. Funny!


I guess you might not need a costume if everybody just keeps turning away.

Elroy Beanz gets powers from eating... kidney beans. Light kidney beans make him faster, which isn't real useful; he's like an Olympic runner that way, but rarely superhuman. Dark kidney beans... let him super-fart. He's extroverted and likes whiskey! Also, for some reason he gets an entire d100 table dedicated to mishaps that can happen if he mixes his beans. Also, Frank is immune to his farts because... well, they're life partners. He has five different types of gassy expulsions:


I'm not eating any food that defeated a villain, thanks.

Tony Riga, the Pasta Man can shoot laser goats. Wait, no, that might be funny. Instead, get gets power from pasta and tomato sauce because he's so Italian, mamma mia, mangia mangia, that's-a spicy meatball, it's-a-me fuuuuuuuuuck- Apparently Frank and Beanz inspired him to become a hero, and no doubt a better one, given he's unlikely to give anybody radiation burns. Anyway he gets heightened taste and smell after drinking some tomato sauce, and can use pasta to entangle people, stick them to the floor, make rope out of it, throw baseballs of pasta that have a 40% chance of knocking somebody out because you know when I said these were too funny for players? These powers are just too funny for players to handle. Also he can theoretically use pasta as lockpicks but doesn't have the skill to do so. Don't think you can use pasta weapons to turn the tides, though- "... only in the hands of Pasta Man is it more than a mere noodle." Che palle!


Wait, how is this guy not Peter Piper- or Peter Pepper?

Professor Thomas Dragonweed, aka Dragonbreath, gets powers from peppers. Unlike the others, he's a villain, a stereotypical professor who gets healing from Green Peppers (which he can transfer to other people through "mouth-to-mouth"), "restoration"-style healing from Yellow Banana Peppers, a horror factor and penalties from Red Chili Peppers, and fire breath from Jalapeno Peppers. Also, he can make a special chili sauce that gives him generic invulnerability, strength, and flight for an hour. In his supervillain identity, he wears "an oriental mask of a dragon". Other than his gimmick, he's a pretty standard thieving supervillain.

Also having a food power makes you roll for a random insanity. "This might be a good candidate for a Crazy Hero." Yep, so let's see what humorous insanity I can roll from Heroes Unlimited, just as an example. 60... 26... Manic depression! Yep, comedy gold there.

Next: Just [many] wild and crazy guys.

"However, the Vaudevillain will NEVER steal, con, or cheat to obtain his pies."

posted by Alien Rope Burn Original SA post



The Rifter 9½, part 6: "However, the Vaudevillain will NEVER steal, con, or cheat to obtain his pies."


The Jokest.

The Vaudevillain
A villain for HU2
By Julius Rosenstein J.P. Ferkelberger


This is a villain who was raised on the stories of his grandfather, a vaudeville entertainer, and was determined to bring it back. Of course, not only did this not work out in the hot 1990s, he just didn't have any talent to begin with. Of course, all that was left for him to do was go mad and become determined to teach everybody a villainous lesson with vaudeville-themed villainy. He doesn't have any powers or even any particular skills, but does have a taser cane, a seltzer bottle sometimes filled with dangerous or harmless liquids (no rules), and pies he uses to blind people. He's, at heart, an intensely cut-rate version of the Joker. Like, the vaudeville thing might be a cute gimmick on its own, especially if there was more to it, but... no, he has to be crazy in a deeply generic way. I love the name, I love the gimmick, I hate the execution.

The Rifter 9½ posted:

Aliases: The Vaudevillain (also "that Nutcase" and several other derogatory terms).

The Rifter 9½ posted:

Super Power Category: Special Training - Vaudeville entertainer (unique) and Crazy Villain.

The Rifter 9½ posted:

The Vaudevillain is seriously whacked out - insane.

The Rifter 9½ posted:

Occupation: Professional wacko and Vaudeville star wannabe.



Other Wacky Superbeings

How kooky.


Catswoman

The rest of these were written by Alex Marciniszyn P.O.D.


Commando Ed, Foam, and Gasser.



Razorfish, Rocket Dog, and Slugg.

I guess what I'm saying is that Marciniszyn should probably stick to (not) editing Palladium books rather than start a career in (not) comedy, really. Harsh, but he should probably stick with what he's (not) good at. The Freddie Williams art is solid, but a lot of the art I didn't include (i.e. most of it) is because they're remarkably straightforward pieces of art for the material in question. You'd think Candle Man would look weird, right?


Not really.

Next: Now kiss!

"For example, a woman who is being sweet-talked by her male companion may be made to kiss him if perceived to be nice, or slapped if he's being a creep or a cad."

posted by Alien Rope Burn Original SA post



The Rifter 9½, part 7: "For example, a woman who is being sweet-talked by her male companion may be made to kiss him if perceived to be nice, or slapped if he's being a creep or a cad."

Defective Powers
By Steve Sheiring Paulie Perkelberger


So, these are drawbacks you can put on powers for "comedy and uncertainty". These aren't like flaws for merits or disadvantage for advantages - most are just drawbacks you'd add because... well, maybe you just want to be kooky.

I won't cover all of them, just the ones that stand out to me.


There's no art in this section, so have Flying Snake instead.

Minor Super Abilities
Similarly, here's Squish.

Major Super Abilities
By Steve Sheiring and Kevin Siembieda Paulie and Percy Ferkelberger
I'm in the hell where the bad jokes go now.

Next: Humor has 6,570 M.D.C.

"Potty humor (and giggling about it) is high on his list of favorite things, as is writing in the snow with one's bodily fluids ('yellow snow, says hello'), sexual innuendos, spreadying rumors (even when he knows they aren't true), telling white-lies, false implications (I never 'said' that), using semantics, and parks like switching sugar with salt, or adding hot spices to sauces, surprising people with joy buzzers, whoopi cushions (makes a farting noise), burps, farts, spit balls, pulling down somebody's pants, putting a bug (snake, ice cube or other icky thing) down a victim's pants or shirt, putting ants in the sugar bowl, making mud pies mixed with doggie-doodoo, food fights, shooing a mouse into a crowd of women, serving chocolate covered insects, lighting smoke bombs and shouting fire, using stink bombs, and similarly disruptive and vulgar jokes are right up Backsmack's alley (along with some surprisingly clever and sophisticated ones)."

posted by Alien Rope Burn Original SA post



The Rifter 9½, part 8: "Potty humor (and giggling about it) is high on his list of favorite things, as is writing in the snow with one's bodily fluids ('yellow snow, says hello'), sexual innuendos, spreadying rumors (even when he knows they aren't true), telling white-lies, false implications (I never 'said' that), using semantics, and parks like switching sugar with salt, or adding hot spices to sauces, surprising people with joy buzzers, whoopi cushions (makes a farting noise), burps, farts, spit balls, pulling down somebody's pants, putting a bug (snake, ice cube or other icky thing) down a victim's pants or shirt, putting ants in the sugar bowl, making mud pies mixed with doggie-doodoo, food fights, shooing a mouse into a crowd of women, serving chocolate covered insects, lighting smoke bombs and shouting fire, using stink bombs, and similarly disruptive and vulgar jokes are right up Backsmack's alley (along with some surprisingly clever and sophisticated ones)."

I guess Siembieda couldn't think of anything for the latter. Also, seriously, "shooing a mouse...?" What is this, a fifties Tom 'n Jerry short?

Unlikely Gods
By Julius Rosenstein J.P. Ferkelberger


These are gods that are funny! This is largely intended for the Palladium Fantasy RPG®, but you know, Palladium doesn't care where you stick their crunch.


The Kent Burles art in here is wonderful, have him draw gods 24/7.

The first is Geshbourn, The God of Lost Causes, a guy who became a god... because, y'know, that's something guys do, I guess. Anyway, he decided he wanted to become a god of war, and went around picking fights with other war gods. The problem is, he's actually a lousy warrior (for a god) and makes excuses for his incompetence rather than learn from them. Instead, he thinks that bravery and determination should win the day. For him, it didn't. And so, the gods of war, pretty much just fed up with this guy tilting at their windmills literally thousands upon thousands of times, declared he would be named the God of Lost Causes and the Underdog.

I think Geshbourn is probably the better example of how to do humor in RPGs- he's the setup for the joke, not the punchline. Though the actual text is overdone by half, there's a hook in players feeling sorry for him or otherwise getting caught up in shenanigans that are at his expense rather than theirs. So, good job, Rosenstein. You did it, you aikido-flipping maniac. You did something funny. Geshbourn would go on to a different sort of infamy as the name of an rpg.net poster who took to chronicling Palladium's frequent book cancellations and delays.


He actually has a surprising talent for humor..

Telthi, Goddess of Cooking, opted to take up her domain due to a lack of competition. In general, she's a very competent cook, but has a tendency to create unpalatable experiments. However, she's dedicated to feeding the poor and it's only her occasional test dish that really seems potentially humorous. I guess food is funny? She mostly seems pretty straightforward, outside of her occasionally trying a disastrous dish on somebody.


I'm not a fan of the description but I am a fan of the expression.

Backsmack, God of wisecracking, backstabbing, and teenagers (by Kevin Siembieda Percy Ferkelberger) is essentially the god of pranks and trolling. He's not literally about backstabbing so much as figurative backstabbing. His sense of humor tends towards "potty humor" and... I'm not sure how you even use a god like this. I mean, he's definitely a god for puckish rogues, but what do you do, have him show up, fart, and run away?

Well, that'd... you know, that'd be perfectly in line with the wit we've usually seen on display in The Rifter 9½. Still, this is probably the best article in the issue, even with the usual overwrought deity statblocks.

Next: Humorist supremacy.

"The Entertainment Factor is similar to Horror Factor or Awe Factor, except it's funny and entertaining."

posted by Alien Rope Burn Original SA post



The Rifter 9½, part 9: "The Entertainment Factor is similar to Horror Factor or Awe Factor, except it's funny and entertaining."

Magic Best Lost?
by Kevin Siembieda Percy Ferkelberger


So, we have two new spellcasting classes and magic introduced here: the Trickster Mage and Ludicrous Mage. They were both developed on the "Palladium World" during "The Time of A Thousand Magics", which I think is a fancy description of the d20 craze. They're usually found on the Palladium World, Rifts Earth, and Phase World, but are rare in the other two places. Most mages think they're jokes, and the practitioners of both kind of magics also think they're jokes - but they clearly like jokes more. And, true to this being an old-school gaming supplement, spellcasters get thirty-two pages, making them almost a third of this entire issue.

The Rifter 9½ posted:

Warning: These characters can be loads of fun to play, but players need to exercise some measure of self-control, otherwise they can disrupt the game too much and ruin the fun for everyone. So try to be clever and/or funny, not annoying.




Pro Gambling tip: it the cards start floating, play somebody else.

The Trickster Mage O.C.C. (4%) is playing card-themed, but unlike something like Deadlands' Hucksters, this is literally just magic themed around 52 card decks. They get an "Entertainment Factor" where they can do magic tricks with cards and render people enthralled and distracted, but only out of combat. They also get a magic effect where they can be perfectly calm and do the movie trope where they unnerve people and give them penalties unless they save against "temporary insanity". (I think that's an insanity save that does not actually inflict insanity...) Lastly, they can learn normal Wizard Spells (levels 1-2 and any spell regarding illusions or distraction), Ludicrous Spells (levels 1-5, we'll get to those), and any Card Spells (any level). They get a variety of bonuses, the biggest ones being to Affinity or Prowess. However, given their attribute requirements, you're very unlikely to see one at the table legit.


"Yeh, I'm the result of your apex spell, wanna make something of it?"

Trickster Card Magic requires a 52-card deck to use, and is really good for cheating or distracting people, but... is generally underwhelming until you get to higher-level spells, with some truly... Palladium spells. Flick Cards or Card Tossing let you... toss cards with more accuracy than you normally would, Shuffle Deck Magically or Magically Palm Cards do what they say, Restore Deck of Cards lets you repair a deck of cards but takes 20 minutes of casting because cards are so rare and valuable, which I guess would be useful if you cast Literally Cut Deck which chops a deck literally in half. Others, like Count Cards, Magically Mark Cards, Change Card Face, Endless Deck of Cards, and Stack Deck, are mainly only useful for cheating or winning games. Spells like Spinning Card, 52 Cards in Your Face, Spinning Hypnotic Card, or Knots are good for distraction.

Then we get to some actual wizardish spells. Mark of Guilt lets you mark somebody with a playing card's image, with different meanings for different crimes...

The Rifter 9½ posted:

Joker laughing with large fangs and pointed teeth marks a rapist or child molester.
Lotsa yuks, you guys. So many jokes.


"Whoa! That'd be really dangerous if it was a knife!"

Stairway to Heaven lets you make a stairway out of cards, Buzz-Saw Cards is a crap combat spell (1d6 damage per level), but not nearly as much as Card Daggers (1d6 per thrown card, or 2d6 for two cards thrown at -2 to hit). Turn Object into Playing Card does what it says, but only for small objects under a pound. And Magic Cards of Vengeance is the apex spell written by a Daniel Denis, which lets you fire off red cards at up to 4 at a time (for 4d6 x 4 fire damage) or black cards (for 2d6 x 10 electric damage). However, you can also summon face cards as creatures, which is a great way to annihilate the game's action economy, or use an Ace of Diamonds as a shield, or use an Ace of Hearts to heal or ward off demons and undead. Magic Cards of Vengeance alone would be the sole reason to play this class, but you can't get the spell until 6th level. Also there's the "Spell of Legend" House of Cards that lets you make a house out of cards. I'm not sure that's all it's cracked up to be, but sometimes you just have to play the hand you were dealt.

Next: Killer Clowns from Palladium World.

"The Humor Factor is similar to Horror Factor or Awe Factor, except it's funny."

posted by Alien Rope Burn Original SA post



The Rifter 9½, part 9: "The Humor Factor is similar to Horror Factor or Awe Factor, except it's funny."

The Ludicrous Mage O.C.C. (13%) was created by Daniel Denis ("with additional text by Kevin Siembieda Percy Ferkelberger"), Despite the earlier description by Siembieda, Denis describes this as originating likely from Atlantis by an alchemist looking to revenge himself on a king, and developed a form of magic he taught to others for assassination. After which, they went on to keep the tradition of ha-ha-assination alive. They're rare now, though, and not always murderous.


"They never studies or uses Card Magic."

So, they get a Humor Factor, which is more or less like Horror Factor but ha has. They also have a Monologue ability that can be used to distract crowds, but a failed roll (which is likely, with a starting skill of 35%-50%) can cause hecklers, rioting, or a lynch mob. Yes, the funny comedy stylings of a mob lynching are finally here. They can do a Unnerving Laugh that cripples people who fail their "save vs. temporary insanity" nearby. They get stuff like Make Balloon Animals and Monsters or Clowning as unique but mundane skills, because what you really, really, really need in a game is a % telling you whether or not you successfully made a balloon cat. "You fail to impress the child. She does not let you inside the treehouse. All is lost." They can get Wizard Spells (levels 1-3) and all Ludicrous Spells. While not as hard to qualify for as Trickster Mages, not many will get to be the most magical of clowns.


The most half-hearted sound effect.

Ludicrous Magic is exclusive to them because "other magic practitioners refuse to acknowledge this form of magic as anything but a waste of time". And if you aren't funny, don't worry, Cloud of Laughter, Funny Bone, Uncontrollable Laughter, Blissful Confusion, Enhance Humor Factor, Laughter of Weakness, and Curse of Laughter has you covered and covered and covered and covered and covered... and covered. Transformation enthusiasts will enjoy: Alter Physical Features, Alter Physical Color, Animal Characteristics (physical), Red Nose, Feeble Voice, Potato Head, Shrink Body Parts, Blubber Boy, Metamorphosis: Doll/Puppet, Metamorphosis: Opposite Sex-

The Rifter 9½ posted:

If the character was a male: He will lose 20% of his original weight and S.D.C., but enjoys the following bonuses: +3 P.B., +1 I.Q., +2 P.E., and +1 P.P. His physical appearance will not resemble a female version of himself (including genitalia).

If the character was a female: Increase her weight by 20% (mostly muscle and bulk), and is +3 P.S., +2 P.E., +1D4+1 to Spd. and +12 S.D.C. (M.D.C. if a Mega-Damage Creature).

The Rifter 9½ posted:

Limitations: This spell does not affect creatures with no gender, or asexual beings.

The Rifter 9½ posted:

Note: Those who get their gender change CAN NOT impregnate another nor can they get impregnated. Nor are males likely to find men attractive, or females find ladies attractive, unless they were predisposed to such in the first place.

- Metamorphosis: Pig/Boar, Metamorphosis: Clown, and Metamorphosis: Toad/Frog. Bondage aficionados will appreciate that you get no saving throw against Tied with Rope or Tied with Chains. And, of course, don't forget to break the action economy with Animate Balloon Monster, Animate Clothing, Clacking Teeth, Multiplicity, Create Clown Golem, or even the "Spell of Legend"... Create Carnies.

Create Carnies is... well, easily the worst part of this issue. Granted, most of what you can summon is inoffensive, "Animal Tamers", monstrous "Krazy Klowns", "Jack in the Box", "Muscle Man", but then...

The Rifter 9½ posted:

Idiot

The Rifter 9½ posted:

Size: 7 feet tall (2m) and slim.

Okay, you can summon a mega-damage Gomer / Goofy / Eccles, I'm not sure why you want to but it's an option-

The Rifter 9½ posted:

Combat: Two attacks per melee round, but only attack when when attacked, threatened, or called a moron, retard, or geek.

The Rifter 9½ posted:

Bonuses: .... Can drink an unlimited amount of alcohol and not suffer any obvious penalties.



The Rifter 9½ posted:

The Fat Lady

Every part of this is terrible.

The Rifter 9½ posted:

Size: 6 feet (1.8 m) tall, and about 5 feet (1.5 m) wide. ("You're not fat! You're just a whole lot of woman.")
Horror Factor: 12; look means and is violent, rude, and crude.
Appearance: This monstrosity resembles something like a walking basketball with pudgy arms and legs protructing from mounds of undulating fat.

The Rifter 9½ posted:

Roll attack: Can roll up to a speed of 40, but must stop after 4D6 minutes or it will get too dizzy and become sick.
Toxic fumes: Once per minute, this thing will cause a toxic gas that will impair anyone without environmental body armor. The gas causes -3 penalty to all attacks. Duration 4 minutes. The gas affects an area of 30 cubic feet (10 cubic meters).

The Rifter 9½ posted:

Note: When the Fat Lady is killed (Damage Capacity reduced to zero or less), she begins to sing, and then vanishes.

What the actual fuck. Yes, it's just a magical creation that doesn't seem to be properly alive, but having it referred to as "this thing", "this monstrosity", or "it" feels telling and gross. I don't even have it in me to ... ugh.


Night of the Dread Laundry.

In case you haven't guessed, Ludicrous Magic is actually pretty useful, unlike Trickster Magic. Though it's not as broadly useful as regular spell magic, it's profoundly good at save-or-suck effects, and no real attempt seems to have really been given to rein it in. Pies lets you create a variety of minor effects, but has a Nuclear Bomb Pie that does nearly Glitter Boy damage and can be stocked for future use. Moron I.Q. makes you have an I.Q. of 3 on a failed save, removes all skill bonuses (including level) and reduces you to the basic percentage minus 20%, and removes all combat bonuses and bonus attacks. Of course, that's all beside the notion of spells that "goose" people or cover them in "fake" pee...

It seems like it'd be fun to play if you scrape off all the thoughtlessly offensive shit, but damn did Denis and Siembieda fall down hard on some of this nonsense. Even for 2000, even for the insular world of gaming, there's just some casually cruel ignorance tucked away in this magic section.


The spell pictured only does water, thankfully.

Next: "Only applicable to hot mamas..."

"Hummina-Hummina Factor: 16."

posted by Alien Rope Burn Original SA post



The Rifter 9½, part 10: "Hummina-Hummina Factor: 16."

Crazy Accoloth's Discount Alchemy Summer Catalog
Rare and Inspired Magic Items and Spells for the Distinguished Adventure? Priced to Own!?
by Allison Coffin Priscilla Ferkelberger


We get a Q&A that boils down to "no refunds, pal", and then... magic items. Wizard Spells

We get some spells, along with items that let you cast them.
I suspect many of you are having to roll against Eyeroll Factor of 18 at this point. Wait, no- Palladium, you can't have it. You can't have my Eyeroll Factor™.

Next: I wear your grandpa's jokes.

"Now this isn't just any tourist, but 'The' Ultimate Pain in the Butt Tourist - a strange, whimsical, and chaotic monster (even if they look normal) whose life is dedicated to frequent vacation-style travel and adventure."

posted by Alien Rope Burn Original SA post



The Rifter 9½, part 11: "Now this isn't just any tourist, but 'The' Ultimate Pain in the Butt Tourist - a strange, whimsical, and chaotic monster (even if they look normal) whose life is dedicated to frequent vacation-style travel and adventure."

Step aside, Reader's Digest, it's time for tourist jokes!

Young people may not know we used to make all sorts of fun of tourists. See, when old folks found out it was wrong to make fun of people just for their skin color or culture, they got really confused and tried to find some other people that dressed funny it was still okay make fun of, like tourists, hippies, or shriners. It never really worked out.


They're looking for the jokes, too.

The Tourist O.C.C.
Rodney Stott Philipe Ferkelberger

So, this isn't so much an O.C.C. as an NPC template that you slap on to simulate that gosh tourists sure are clueless and troublesome and lucky. They get a special power where they can't be "seriously harmed", whatever that entails. Essentially they're suppose to show up and be obnoxious and follow around the PCs because they think they're guides and by the ghost of my dead grandfather, even he'd find this more tired than a ten-wheeler.

So.... tourist types. There's the Drunken Yobo, who likes thrills and drunkenness, the Loud Mouth Tourist who has a loud mouth- hope the joke's not too subtle there, the Camera Clicking Tourist who wants to have pictures taken with monsters lawl, the Swedish Chef who's incomprehensible and not necessarily Swedish, The Whining Pom who whines- hope you're keeping up, the Penny-Pinching Cheap-Skate who hates to spend money, and the Backpacker who keeps to one bag and takes local jobs to pay for the vacation. They all have special comedy powers and it's... it's excruciating. (Oh, and if you haven't guessed, Stott is Australian.)

Their powers include big bonuses on saving throws, especially Horror Factor, take minimum damage from all attacks, get a Horror Factor because they're so obnoxious woooo scary, but have no sense of direction (even if they can teleport or the like) and roll for 4-7 other "flaws" - bad accent, curiosity, drive on the wrong side of the road, gullible, no money sense, no dress/style sense, shopping bug, or retired & well off. They also get a 2-5 "power objects" like bermuda shorts or Hawaiian shirts or-

You know what? There's nothing funny here. It's just a mishmash of stereotypes from sometime around the Permian Era. They also get a roll for alien traits because they're alien tourists now I guess and they might have multiple heads or eye stalks or whatever.


I don't know what this has to do with anything in this article, but it's here.

We get some Tourist Adventures. One is about a tourist that hires the PCs to show him around, but he keeps getting in trouble because he's an idiot! Another is the same tourist but he's back with a group of them! Uh-oh! Motherfucking hijinks up in this travel bus! Lastly, we have "Billy Bob Blyncress, Loud Mouthed Splugorth Tourist" which is pretty much the first plot hook, only he's disguised as a human and when he goes to take a photo of him with somebody he turns back into a Splugorth to get a good picture! Well, at least he's still more interesting than Splynncryth the Splugorth.

I never thought I'd miss all the fart jokes, but now I do.

Next: The punchline.

"Sgt. Brick blew him a kiss and made several obscene gestures that only Dog Boys would understand."

posted by Alien Rope Burn Original SA post



The Rifter 9½, part 12: "Sgt. Brick blew him a kiss and made several obscene gestures that only Dog Boys would understand."

Lastly, we get Every Motherless Son ..., which is about a group of Dog Boys being abused by their sergeant while in training, but it's tough abuse love, as they've being shipped out to Tolkeen soon and he wants them to be tough pups. But he goes too far and one tries to kill him with a mine! But he survives and the one who tried to kill him is in biiig trouble because he's a tough sergeant! End story. It also has that phoenetic nonsense I guess that's trying to make them sound like... uneducated rurals, I guess? It makes it just much tougher to read than necessary.

The Rifter 9½ posted:

"An' I ain't no dezzerta, an' I ain' no quitta neitha!", Posey added. His steely gaze fixed on Rex and the room went uncomfortably quiet. "Besssides, ya'll got no room ta talk like thet anyways, no-how. You shore didn't win no prizes out thare taday an' neitha did no one else."

It's alright as far as Rifts stories go but doesn't really go much of anywhere and is probably twice as long as it needs to be.


Wait, which of us was the fool all this time?

April Fool!
The Truth
By Kevin Siembieda


Siembieda assures us this issue has all been a joke, so relax. The Ferkelbergers haven't taken over the company! I was shocked!... shocked!... shocked that he thought anybody might swallow that seriously, but Siembieda has a tendency to treat fans very- gently, let's say.

The Rifter 9½ posted:

The madmen at Palladium Books are ... well ... lunatics. Crazy, goofy, silly people, who sometimes they can not contain the urge to be mischievous.

So, the big gag of this issue is that the normal editor for The Rifter, Wayne Smith, was kept entirely in the dark regarding this issue. They managed to hide the writing, the preparation, until it was finally printed and arrived in boxes.

The Rifter 9½ posted:

I don't remember whose idea it was - mine (Kevin Siembieda), Steve [Sheiring's], or Maryann [Siembieda's], but I will take credit for orchestrating the entire scheme and pulling it off.

Kevin? Take chief credit for something? That's so unlike him. He also insists that since there are only 10K copies, this will be a collector's item! Well, not so. It's currently about $8 on Amazon after shipping- originally it retailed for $7. However, as it's a "once in a millennium" special, they don't plan on doing another unless Palladium Books goes to the year 3000.


Frogs are funny, I suppose.

Lastly, Alex Marcinizsyn lays down some April Fool's facts - take that, Reader's Digest - and talks about his favorite pranks, like gluing a coin to the ground or telling somebody there's a UFO outside, and then laughing at them for trusting you.

So, ultimately this mostly the kind of mess you usually get from "Gamer Humor". That's not to say there aren't some rough gems that could be polished up - the Unlikely Gods section is actually pretty decent for that sort of thing, food superpowers are inconsistent but seem like they could be silly fun in the right hands, the new spellcasting has some enjoyable spells if you're wise enough to excise the casual cruelty packed into some of the material. Giga-damage is a decent joke that goes on about three times longer than it needs to. A lot of the rest tends from the tired and pedestrian (tourist jokes, really?) to the generally-incompetent (a lot of the supervillains aren't even jokes!). Maybe if this hadn't been so rushed, maybe if Wayne had gotten to look at it... it could have turned out better. Probably not, knowing Palladium's lack of quality control, but it's not impossible?

Humor in RPGs is a tough row to hoe, but The Rifter 9½ often falls into the key pitfall- providing both a joke and a punchline. In my experience, players will insert humor into a game as it is, and if you want to be a funny game, you create a setup for a joke and then have players naturally do what they do. The better versions of Paranoia embody this, setting up an essential contradiction where every character is a traitor and incentivized to enforce loyalty. Similarly, a game like Maid - for all its flaws - sets up a situation where you want to earn favor and tear your fellow peers down. But neither dictates how it plays out, simply creating fodder for absurd situations. Meanwhile, the humor in this issue is at best canned - it's a joke to tell at the table, but the joke was already spoiled in the issue. And it probably wasn't that funny to begin with. Granted, a lot of this was done very quickly to do the April Fool's Joke, though given the amount of reflection and editing that goes into your average Palladium book, I doubt extra time would have served the authors well.

Of course, there were be those who presume "Well, none of it was designed to be actually played.", and that's fair. But then, why bother giving stat totals and playable rules? (Well, as playable as Palladium is, anyway.) If that's the case, you may as well have done them like Space Gamer's "Ten Characters I Wouldn't Let In My Universe" and just give summaries if it's only intended for humor. Giving them S.D.C. totals doesn't actually make them funnier. And some, like the spellcasters, are clearly intended for... some sort of play.

Well, at least it's less cringeworthy than the swimsuit issues?

THAT'S ALL, GOONS!