Well, it being mentioned over in the images thread reminded me that I actually have a copy of The Slayer's Guide to Female Gamers.
So you all get a treat and by treat I mean you get to be exposed to what James Desborough considers humor. It's not funny.
Without further ado, I give you:
The Introduction, or This Joke Is Already Getting Old
The Female Gamer is a mystery. A mystery, wrapped inside an enigma, wrapped inside another mystery, put in a box with ' mystery ' written on it, and shipped second-class to Mysterious Island in the Sea Of Mystery.
They are, largely, an unknown quantity to the vast and overwhelming majority of gamers.
Gaming groups will sometimes swap tales and legends of Female Gamers, even of having them as girlfriends or wives, some groups claim to have Female Gamers among their number; some even go so far as to claim they have dated or married them themselves.
Females are an alien species not of this Earth, difficult to understand, impossible to please. This guide will at least give you a fighting chance of comprehending them and dealing with them should you be so unlucky as to encounter one in your travels.
None of this should be taken as offensive, though it probably will be. If you cannot see we are also taking the Mickey out of male gamers as much, if not more, than gamers of the female persuation then you need a humour transplant and a kick up your pert, well-rounded, tightly chain-mail-clad arse. Please accept that most gamers do not have issues with women, they have a subscription, a complete collection from issue one and fancy binders to keep them in.
Female gamers are a completely unknown quantity to the vast and overwhelming majority of gamers, though matters have been ever so slowly changing in that regard. As these creatures become more populous in the gaming fraternity it behoves the male gamer to at least make an attempt understand this creature and to make preparations for their increasing invasion.
Here you will find a mass of information on this particular gamer subspecies, their strange physical peculiarities, their chosen habitats, the way their society works, why women almost always go to the toilet in pairs, where they get their wealth of gossip from and the answers to a great many other of the great feminine mysteries.
This war gaming was not the hideously overpriced and omnipresent, spiky, kiddie-crack spectacle we see today in the sprawling temples to Mammon we call shopping centres.
At this time the female involvement in what was to become 'the hobby' was pretty much limited to bringing tea and biscuits to the shed or the attic
While the individual elements to attract the Female Gamer were now present in the games, literary references, getting into the role of the character and so on, the games were still mathematics and violence heavy. Two things considered to be off-putting to women and not female-friendly in any way.
Nonetheless, a few brave women blazed a trail for those who came later, gamely going along with suggestions of hormonal and sexually-deprived gamers; playing half elf warrior women vixens or motherly clerics just so they could get to play in what was, even in its most primitive caveman form, a pretty enjoyable game.
Gamers began to get laid regularly and getting laid on a regular basis generally means girlfriends soon follow and a girlfriend wants to get into the same things as their boyfriend to understand them better and to participate in their life. So was born the gamer girlfriend into our lives. Often not truly understanding what was going on, often quitting and dumping the gamer when they realized it was not dangerous at all.
The product of this research and painstaking attention to detail wa Bloodsucker: The Pretense , whic responsible for more roleplaying nookie than any other roleplaying game in existence. Gamers baskin the sexual afterglow salute those who brought the bloodsuckers onto our character sheets and dedicate their post-orgasmic cigarette to your names.
And what does the dawning of the new age bring to our little gaming subculture? Massively Multiplayer Online Games and various other computer-based elements are getting people of all sorts into roleplaying, many of them claiming to be women from the safety of online anonymity.
Somewhere among the teeming sweaty mass of red necked denizens of Alabama trailer parks, hunched amorously over their computer terminals as they masturbate themselves into an early grave, are genuine women, all getting involved in roleplaying, though they do not realise it and probably would prefer not to think that what they're doing is in any way related to 'Delvings and Dingoes.'
There are many wild tales circulated among groups of adventurers. Some even claim there are more kinds of women than the 'princess' (there to be rescued) and the 'wench' (there to be wenched).
It is said that once every moon they turn into ravening beasts akin to werewolves, only mollified by an offering of expensive ice cream and a 'chick flick'.
Female Gamers vary in height and weight within a similar range as normal humans.
Extensive research found that depictions of women in all fantasy books and roleplaying game manuals were universally attractive, half naked and with sizeable mammary glands unseen outside of the depictions thus far. Comparing these wonderfully detailed and delicious depictions with females from real life, and within gaming groups, forced the researchers to the sad and weary conclusion that Female Gamers are not actually women after all, but a completely separate sub-species of feminine demihuman, rather like halflings.
Perhaps they are halflings! The more common plumpness, the ability to cook, the feeling that they are always hiding something from you, the inherent tendency to thievery and to draining the resources of the groups they are attached to. Yes, it all makes sense!
Much shorter than the scholars Achilleos or Royo would have you believe, and much more covered in opaque clothing. Their hair is seen to be rarely perfect, often frizzy, ratty, or greasy and they often wear spectacles, and not in a 'wear them because it is cute' fashion.
There are several theories to account for the worrying and distinct dissonance between the glorious vision of the scholars and the stark and depressing reality of the actual Female Gamer bearing little resemblance to Zenda: Valkyrie Princess.
Orthodox study would appear to indicate that attracting a mate merely requires the exchange of large amounts of coin from one hand to the other, or the convenient slaying of a dragon.
Brave individuals were chosen by straws to test out these methods of courting on a carefully chosen sample of gamer chicks and in each case reported blackouts preceded by a sharp wooshing sound and a scream of ' Pig '. Donations for their rehabilitation can be sent via the publisher to ' Cerebus House: Home for Gamers Too Stupid and Misogynistic to Breed '.
Money = Material wealth = Gaming book collection
Power = Authority over others = Being the regular Games Master
Physique = Honed quality = Sharp intellect.
Therefore, the ultimate 'gamer chick horn dog passion magnet' should be a devastatingly intelligent Games Master, with a massive game collection containing many rare and out of print books.
Since those latched onto by these female creatures often manifest gratuitously changed behaviour, and unexplained absences from gaming sessions with weak excuses such as ' Its Valentines Day ' or ' I'm meeting her parents ', it is reasoned that the female deposits her eggs within the male using some manner of spiky ovipositor. Once there, they latch onto the nervous system, causing changes in behaviour, making the male far more susceptible to the female's extensive mind control powers.
Some of these poor gamers disappear from the scene entirely, making weak excuses such as ' marriage ', ' growing up ' or ' babies '. These are obviously cover stories manufactured by the 'Female Conspiracy' to deflect suspicion from the true cause of their disappearance - a fatal overdose of lace doilies and shoe sales.