Please God Let There Be Only A Few Parts To This
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Never mind, found something better!
Nymphology Part 1: Please God Let There Be Only A Few Parts To This
This is the first book on the role of erotic and sex magic within the fantasy setting. It is part of the Encyclopaedia Arcane series by mongoose publishing. Designed to be inserted seamlessly into any fantasy-based D20 games system, these sourcebooks enhance and expand all arcane spellcasting classes, adding a whole new dimension to campaigns.
Each book of the Encyclopaedia Arcane series is not just intended for Games Masters to use in conjunction with their non-player characters however. Players themselves will find full details on how to use the magic systems with new or existing characters, greatly increasing the wealth of options they are presented with in the core rulebooks.
If it needs pointing out, this is humorous in content and intent. While the spells, rules and prestige classes presented herein should all be useable in your campaigns, everything is presented primarily for laughs. ‘Many a true word spoken in jest.’
Nymphology is part of Mongoose Publishing's Encylopedia Arcane series, which presented new magic systems for 3E D&D players who thought wizards didn't get to do enough cool things. This one is a "light-hearted" look at sex in D&D, which means we are going to see some
It is written by James Desborough, who also wrote
for Mongoose's later Quintessential series,
The Slayers Guide To Female Games
, and last year
Sex, Dice And Gamer Chicks
. Dude loves his lady books. He also contributed to
City of Stormreach!
Chapter 1: Introduction
The book opens with a tale of a wizard called Onestrum Fiddler (
), who apparently wrote the in-universe version of this book. He smells like sweaty leather and wants wizards to take the field of sex magic more seriously.
What sort of thing do these "blue" mages do? The details are shrouded in mystery and rumour, existing only in old tales and notes passed between young college students. Most of the "fluff" in this book is about young college students rather than, say, grown adult men, presumably because they appreciate the high-brow humour taking place here.
...many a young apprentice holds close the dream of bringing a properly bound succubus to his bed.
Others just fiddle themselves into an early grave hunched over their crystal balls while the girls at ‘the school for comely young elf maidens’ unknowingly dance, wiggle and splash for their pleasure.
Then comes the blurb I pasted up there, just in case you weren't aware that this is totally a joke book by this point. It claims to be rules-compatible with 3E, though. Keep that in mind!
Immediately after that little intro it reminds you that this book has "a focus on humour", in case you forgot, and then it dives into a story!
The story is about young magical college students sitting around a table in a tavern swapping tales and rumours of blue magic. In order of appearance, we have:
Siorfan, who knows jack about blue magic but warms strongly to the idea by the end of the tale;
Yacob, who begins the blue magic talk by suggesting Siorfan charm the tavern wench into having sex with him;
Ellissa, who is clearly a female but hangs out with (and is implied to be sexually attracted to) these charming men, despite having no role except to "gag in disgust' at their suggestions;
Jhonen, who talks about summoned succubi and the joys of "'red' meat";
Gior, a gnome illusionist who summons an image of a fey masturbating for his own amusement;
Myram, who doesn't actually say anything but is implied to be looking at dirty things with his crystal ball under the table while "casting embarrassed sidelong glances at Ellissa";
and Sestyne, an elf female who responds to Siorfan complaining that even if he did "enslave her will with magic and bed her" he could not satisfy the barmaid with a suggestion to search the "old student notebooks" in the college library for a spell to make himself better in bed instead of, say,
Blessedly, none of these people are ever mentioned again.
Christ, I already need a break.
Coming next: How to use PHB spells for "sexy" purposes, all-new spells, and bestiality!
Masturbation, Mind Control And Getting Your Jollies
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Nymphology Part 2: Masturbation, Mind Control And Getting Your Jollies
The next two chapters cover magic. I was going to cover both but holy shit, there is so much shit in this book I'm going to have to do it chapter by chapter for now.
Chapter 2: Erotica Arcane - An Overview
The first page includes this picture of a wizard with the smile of a man legally banned from living near elementary schools:
There's some more fluff about who most "blue mages" are secretive and/or college students, leading up to little blurbs about how each school of magic can be "scavenged" for sexy purposes.
is little used by the blue mage save in a few minor cantrips used to protect oneself from the social diseases of the fantasy world. Unlike divine magic these spells do not heal, instead forming a preventative barrier protecting the mage from being infected or harmed in the first place. Some magic users add their own tweaks to these spells, improving them slightly in their own ways to enhance their performance. That is about as useful as abjuration gets.
Frankly, I don't think the author (hereafter referred to as Reginald D. Wifflebottom) has thought this one through? What about the people who want to fuck a fire elemental?
Also, magical wards and banishment spells will come in handy later, when the blue mage gets a lot of outsiders upset.
The art of
is dipped into by mages seeking to taste the fruits of other realms and worlds. Summonings stock the rooms of mystical bordellos and provide ‘easily’ available bed partners for lonely magicians with magical reagents to spare. Summoners can make a tremendous amount of money pimping their stable of supernatural lovelies to jaded merchants, rich nobles and adventurous bon vivants but the demands of these individuals can rapidly outstrip the mage’s ability to provide.
Wait, don't summoned creatures usually not get a say in --
A lot of people have something of the voyeur in them. Watching others while they are unaware of your presence can be very appealing, peeking in on people is a time-honoured tradition and it is no surprise that, with their access to crystal balls and perceptive powers, magic users of an erotic ilk make good use of
. At some point an enterprising merchant is going to make a fortune on non-fogging wipe-clean crystal balls.
This is the third masturbation joke, by the way.
Dominating the will of others would seem to be a good route to getting into whatever pants happen to take your fancy. Those who stoop to
tend to be regarded fairly badly by other blue mages and, unless it happens to fit their particular kink, most people find the ministrations of an enchanted ‘zombie’ mechanical and unfulfilling. Even those into domination find enchantment less than satisfying since no will has been broken, just bypassed.
Apparently, domination fetishists don't like mind control.
This entire paragraph is completely at odds with the rest of the book, and I am convinced it exists to try and excuse what happens later.
We're going there.
Blue mages tend to regard those who concentrate on
in much the same way as virile but poor young men regard weasel-like old men with vast estates. Blowing things up is seen very much as a penis substitute and the domain of the inadequate.
Again, Wifflebottom skims over an entire school of magic. What about the wizard who prefers to do it in a magical
? What about the sorceress who likes explosions a little too much? What about the bard who needs to fight off tavern wenches who made their Will saves and the police?
The realm of
and glamour can provide where the real world, the spirits and the planes cannot. What the multiverse does not provide, the conscious mind can. Illusionists can literally provide anything a client can imagine with every sense catered for. If you see an illusionist in a tavern, smiling and adjusting his belt, he may not have just finished a satisfying meal.
Taverns are a popular place for the blue mage to get his jollies. Masturbation joke number four, by the way.
Only the most twisted of blue mages will ever delve into the
arts in search of pleasure, whatever the black clad practitioners of the dark art have to say about the wonders of forbidden pleasures.
Wifflebottom did not stoop to boner jokes. On the other hand, undead sex.
on the other hand provides many opportunities for the blue mage. With transmutation magic he is able to enhance his physique, prowess, confidence and the ‘tools of the trade,’ or just let off a few slick effects like changing his partners dress into rose petals (and back if he ever wants to see her again).
Romantic gestures with rose petals? Not okay. Enchanting the barmaid into waxing your penguin?
After that we have some more boring fluff about how blue mages tap into the power of love and lust and blah blah, which is great at making your eyes glaze over and almost skip over the whammy at the end:
Blue magic cannot interfere with true love and can go awry, hitting people other than the intended target if the force of creation and lust feels that others should be affected. Where
an attraction, however subconscious
, already exists the magic will flow more easily and be more binding.
With a followup sidebar!
Slippery Love Channel
In cases where there is existing attraction or love between two people, or such loathing and disgust that the mere idea of touching one another would cause hives and profuse vomiting, erotic magic is either more or less effective, respectively. It is recommended that the Games Master consider up to a +5 circumstance bonus to the spell’s DC in the former instance, or
the character’s Will save
in the latter.
So basically enchantments are harder to resist if she secretly wants it.
This isn't even a low point for this book. With that in mind, please focus on this lovely cat for a while before we continue. Click if just the emoticon doesn't do it for you:
Are you ready? Good, because we're not even halfway through this chapter. I'll try to skim.
The next section is on the "Misuse" and dangers of erotic magic. To summarise: if you get too obsessed, you might become Reginald Wifflebottom and publish a book like Nymphology.
Here are the highlights!
Before long, temptation can carry the blue mage away and they’ll find themselves bent over a ducking stool in a studded leather wizard’s hat with a succubus spanking them, while the guard beat down the door to charge them with obscene acts with a basilisk. Blue mages often find themselves drawn hither and yon, the force of lust wielding their will as much as their will wields the force of lust.
Anyone who owns a penis will know the feeling.
Bestiality jokes aside, this is one of the few things that made me smile a little in the entire book.
...Viewing everything as nothing more than another potential source of pleasure of voyeurism and getting blisters on their private parts, those who succumb to this way of life are pitied by other blue magi.
A short bit about blue mages who become recluses in a time without Internet being pitied by other blue mates leads to masturbation joke #5.
Being drunk on the power of blue magic is much like being drunk onlager, except you never sober up and are more likely to wake up with someone else’s familiar than a traffic cone.
Haha! Dog fucking!
The next section is on the Use of Erotic Magic, which claims blue mages are usually well-liked, and begins with some
on how blue mages can use their magic to help other people and themselves get over their personal issues. This is where the book gets a bit schizophrenic, because while quite a lot of it is gender-neutral it starts to become a little more obvious that this is a book for men:
Traditionally the village wise woman has dispensed this sort of thing but they tend to concentrate their help on the womenfolk, men never really having been comfortable with confessing their needs or problems to persons of the female persuasion.
You just know it is going to end up as gossip.
Where the wise women have poultices, potions and pseudo-psychological advice, the blue magi have an incantation or an artefact more than able to deal with the problem without all the hideous cackling. To most men, asking hideous old women for sex advice is like asking the tarrasque for a breath mint. Old people exist in a space outside attraction and sex, even if they were ‘a bit of a fox’ back in their day.
Instead they seek out practictioners of blue magic, "however many suspicious crusty stains adorn their robes" (7!).
Towers are a peculiarity of most wizards. According to many female, earthy, druidic persons of an unshaven armpits persuasion they are...
"Towering symbols of the lascivious thaumaturgical dominance of the wizardly profession expressed in architectural form to compensate for their inadequacy and to express their believed supremacy over female oriented earth magic."
Quite what any of that means most people are not sure but wizards who have seen the patches of mud these people call holy tend to attribute it to ‘tower envy’ and add an extra storey.
This brief foray into rampant misogyny just kind of appears out of nowhere in a section on how blue magi present themselves, then disappears back into the ether. Then the book swings back into discussing how a noticeable portion of blue magi become introverted, sex-obsessed neckbeards, the sort of person who buys this book and thinks it's funny.
There, locked away from the world they are more than content with their succubus and
lovers, their nymphs and dryads
See, Wifflebottom? See? I told you
shouldn't have been skipped!
The next section is "Novel Uses For Existing Magic". I'm just going to bundle it into the next part and go get a drink.
Next time: Somehow, Wifflebottom makes Evocation creepier than Enchantment. Also, I hope you haven't tired of masturbation and rape!
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Nymphology Part 3: What.
"Novel Uses For Existing Magic" rounds out the second chapter. It is a list of "creative" uses for existing spells, so basically our author Reginald (hereafter refered to as Thaddeus Tipplespoon) went through the PHB and thought, "what sexy things can I do with these spells?"
Abjuration is completely skipped, so on we go to
! Earlier I was a little worried about whether summoned creatures had to consent, so hopefully I'm wro
So it is that summoning and binding are the most visible uses of conjuration amongst blue magi and advanced (and horny) students of magic.
Some enjoy the challenge of breaking an aasimar on the wheel of corruption
, while others enjoy the lascivious nature and whole-heartedness of the tiefling. Djinn and their ilk give wish-fulfilment in more ways than one and
nothing talks dirty like a mephit
. Succubi and erinyes are obvious choices and known to even the simplest peasant thanks to the efforts of priests and clerics putting thoughts into their heads from every pulpit. The ‘bi-curious’ part of society finds the dual nature of the incubus/succubus a good way out of leaving closets. Marilith demons are a less obvious choice but the advanced blue mage considers it worth the risk for all those extra arms and the forked tongue. Kyton’s and their animated chains can have a certain appeal to those with elaborate and uninhabited dungeons and a penchant for black leather. Some attest that Lillend provide one of the best experiences, but also state that
their capacity for revenge exceeds even that of a ‘woman scorned’ and caution the mage who seeks that particular delight to be ready for anything.
What am I reading here? Because I'm pretty sure I'm reading a warning that lillend will get mad. That you summoned them for sex.
Because you are forcing them.
Is... is this still "humorous in content and intent"? Because... actually, no. Let's just move on.
(It revisits this topic in more detail later, anyway.)
So there's more on conjuration, though thankfully that's the worst part - there's more to the school than summon spells, after all. For example:
Before he wrote his own spells the infamous blue mage Baykdoyre (
) used to indulge his passion for halflings with the aid of the
After that we have another joke about using
to masturbate while doing other things, because I guess wizards are busy and sometimes they need to multitask, then something about the "sticky strands" of a
spell being suggestive.
mostly just lists spells you can use to spy on people, which is pretty obvious, but there's this thing on
being useless which is one of the few lines in the book that actually made me smile a little, or at least turn the corners of my mouth upward:
About all it is good for is walking into an inn or bar and gauging the initial reaction of people to your presence. While that may indeed unearth that the well-endowed barmaid is looking at you and thinking
It may also unearth that many other people in the room are looking at you and gagging or planning to steal your wallet. Even worse, it may reveal that the hideously scarred dwarf in the corner is looking at you and thinking ‘Phwoar!’
And then we have
Despite what it said earlier about enchantment being for terrible people, someone has clearly put a lot of thought into this. (Also, it keeps talking about "domination" despite earlier making a distinction between domination and enchantment.
) Oh, and there's a warning that "the mage had best be ready to hot-foot it the moment the spell ends as the targets tend to get rather upset."
Tipplespoon has provided examples, which I think are supposed to be jokes. The first is "poor 'Stubby' Broccoli", who accidentally gave the wrong command to a widow he had charmed when he told someone who interrupted them to "Bite me", which is kind of funny and I guess he deserved it, so mayb
Blue magi can be particularly vindictive when it comes to the use of the
spell, as the commands they lay down with these spells tend to be extremely demeaning. When all his conventional attempts to woo lady Velocipede, known for her meek chastity and refusal of advances, failed miserably, the master mage Bertram Rounde laid a
on her to lay with every man in the town.
So, yeah. If shy, chaste girls turn you down, I guess you can cast a spell on them that forces them to have sex with every male in town or die.
If we take the 3.5 DMG's definition of "town" - that small towns have 901-2000 adults and large towns have 2-5000 - and assume roughly half of them are men, that means Velocipede has to have sex with 450-
men, regardless of age, appearance, number of diseases or, since this is D&D, probably race. She will take 3d6 damage and become sickened every day she doesn't at least attempt this. Oh, and she has to say yes to any sick fantasy any man demands of her.
So, picking up what remains of my faith in humanity and moving on, I don't think Thaddeus can come up with any more terrible examples of
Some of the more unpleasant or domineering blue magi like to make use of the
spell, as the subject remains aware of their surroundings but is unable to do anything about it.
Oh God, there's an example.
The village of thrack was terrorised by a blue mage who pretended to be a terrible monster, casting
on poor defenceless villagers and then tickling them mercilessly to get his jollies.
Okay, first, why is Thrack uncapitalised? Second, WHY DO I CARE ABOUT THAT? Third... what the fuck kind of weak example is this, Tipplespoon? You just made an example for
which forced a woman to--
I just realised her name was Velocipede. That's a kind of
There's a mention of
as a way to force people to perform a striptease, because I guess we haven't violated enough rights, but we're climbing towards a peak now and with any luck we won't hit any low points for a while.
And I'm going to be honest here: a guy pretending to be a monster and learning
just so he can tickle girls sounds like a
Since evocation is mostly for blowing things up, we get about one sentence of spell examples.
Gust of wind
can be used to blow skirts upwards giving the panty or stocking fetishist a ripe eyeful,
Which is understandably tame since I don't think there's much you can even do with
can be used to transmit perverse and stalker type messages directly to the poor victim’s mind, leaving them no way to escape them.
There's a lot on fluff on illusion, which makes sense because as it says, "the imagination literally is the limit". However, it notes that they tend to be cheaper than conjurers, because "the rich shell out for the reagents needed to summon a real succubus", and I am slowly realising that it
keeps bringing that up.
I mean, I can see why the succubus would be the #1 favourite target for blue mages, but it hasn't mentioned the energy drain once. What, do they just roll with it?
Then there's some stuff about how an illusionist can set up a "subscription service" for scry-capable magi, designating a place and time each night they will create an illusion of some sexy stuff happening so voyeuristic wizards around the world can have a little peep show. I've gotta say, that is actually one of the more interesting-and-not-actually-horrifying ideas in this book.
Oh yeah, and
is apparently a favourite too, because who doesn't like sex slave snowmen?
The erotic uses of
are best left to the diseased imagination of those who think of skeletons and then snigger ‘boner’ to each other. There are however two uses of necromantic spells that do not immediately reek of necrophilia.
to make the boner joke, Tipplespoon. Couldn't resist, could you?
Not much here.
is is given attention for its ability to grope and harass people without being caught, and
is mentioned as a way for transsexuals to experience being a member of the opposite sex.
Strangely, the next section is
and it doesn't mention anything about being able to change sex. Nope, the only way for a transsexual to indulge their desires is through an evil necromancy spell to force someone's soul into a gem while you steal their body.
I don't know whether to chalk that up to some kind of transphobia or just an oversight, like completely missing the uses of abjuration spells, so we'll chalk it up to stupidity for now. We're still a ways away from the
Transmutation is relatively white-bread.
can tweak your appearance (and let you swap genders harmlessly, Thaddeus!
make you suck less in bed,
for people with darkness-loving partners,
for your dong,
so you can pack more orgasms into one lovemaking session,
for bondage and I guess for when your enchantment spells don't work, and
because we're noting all the groping spells, damn it!
gets its own paragraph on dissolving clothes, complete with an "example" tale of a "mage panty fetishist" who terrorised a town with it. Okay?
There are three other pieces of art in this chapter. Two of them are just wizards levitating with their legs crossed for no particular reason, so I'm going to end with this retarded one:
Next time: New spells! Featuring hilarious jokes about homosexuals, women, and fucking people to death!
"Effect: Humanoids within line of sight of penis."
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Nymphology Part 4: "Effect: Humanoids within line of sight of penis."
Chapter 3: New Erotic Magic Spells
, our author Thaddeus Tipplespoon (hereafter referred to as Reginald D. Wifflebottom again because I liked that name better) presents some all-new "erotic" spells, designed to be used in an existing 3E game. For some reason, they are all for Sor/Wiz and occasionally Bard only, because I guess clerics and druids don't get to date rape anyone.
This chapter contains several pieces of artwork of "sexy" women. I will spare you for now.
I'm going to list them in bullet form, except for the standout parts. For simplicity, I'll skip the details (level components, casting time, etc.) unless something is strange.
Exactly what it sounds like. For some reason it specifies "Anything from a Double-D down to an A-cup", though I guess there should be an upper limit
Also, if you are a male, don't fret! This cantrip can still give you "something to play with".
As long as you are in a bedroom and making "even a feeble effort to hide", you receive a bonus equal to your CL on Hide checks.
Baykdoyre's Ultimate Lubrication:
Exactly what it sounds like. Most of the description is the tale of Baykdoyre (
), who researched the spell so he could bang "halfling tradesmen". Oh, also this:
Baykdoyre’s successes not only lead to some limited personal fame and fortune, but also to the first successful halfling/ogre-crossbreeding incident. His fame and fortune were limited however, since not long after releasing his spell to the magical community he was arrested by the watch, no fewer than fifteen ruptured pixie bodies having been found in his home.
(The joke is he killed them with his penis
Bernadette's Illusory Nakedness:
An illusion spell that lets you see people as if they were naked, giving you a bonus to social checks because of confidence. Comes with a story about a wizardess who remembered that old chestnut "Imagine them naked!" and researched the spell to calm her nerves at a job interview, then failed anyway when she couldn't stop laughing at the guy's tiny wang. I'm just glad this story didn't end in a rape joke. Here is my problem, though: the spell is affected by Spell Resistance, but the target is "Self". Pretty sloppy editing there, Wifflebottom! But I guess it means you're going to have to roll against SR to see some drow dick.
Bigyt's Groping Hand:
No backstory on Bigyt (
) but this spell lets you grope people with impunity and feel it as though you were tweaking those nipples yourself!
Apparently "macho posturing barbarians and warriors" are afraid of this spell, which makes people gay. Afterward "the mage is free to go up and make their modest proposal to the now far more receptive target, who will hopefully blame the drink come the morning", because the description wasn't homophobic enough without some magically-compelled date rape.
, but you can use it on others too and it lasts longer. Watch out, though, because:
Many are totally unprepared for the hormonal changes involved in such a drastic bodily alteration and women changing to men can turn into frenzied rampaging beasts seeking to pork anything in sight, while men changing to women can turn into frenzied rampaging beasts seeking chocolate with ferocious intensity.
Wifflebottom sure knows how women think, am I right?
Clothes to Chocolate/Cream/Oil:
Why on Earth is this fucking spell 5th-level? At that level you can teleport across a kingdom to turn people into frogs while flying around shitting rainbow death beams, but it takes this long to learn how to turn panties into chocolate? You guys are the worst wizards.
An enchantment which lasts "1 day + 12 hours/level"), or a touch under 6 days when you first learn it, that makes the target fall madly in love with "the first thing to cross their path that remotely fits their standards of an acceptable partner". One of the
more effective magical rape spells, and no verbal component!
Dirk's Impressive Tool:
A cantrip by the gnome sorcerer Dirk Poyksward (
) which will cause the viewer to regard the caster's package as "the absolute most beautiful and enormous example of manhood they have ever seen" and feel the need to pass this information on. The attached story is boring but this is the most amazing line:
Humanoids within line of sight of penis.
Makes people think the relevant area is pretty tits, and gives you a bonus to certain social checks. You know, for all the flak it got earlier, there sure are a lot of enchantment spells in this book!
Creatures of correct orientation with line of sight to buttocks.
Yet another enchantment spell, this one is basically
only it can disable more people in combat and lacks the attitude adjustment or the bonuses to saves against it. So basically it's a better hypnotism. The downside: Your opponent must find your gender attractive and see at your glorious rump. The description mentions blue mages "friskily wiggling their buttocks at attacking monsters", which I can only assume means it works on beholders.
Turns the room you are in into an illusory bedroom decorated to your taste with 2d6 attractice men and/or women drawn from your subconscious desires. Can affect anyone who views the room, including unwilling people who fail a Will save. The wording implies they are then forced to have illusion sex until the spell runs out. It lasts "1 hour/level". I know a few dungeon orcs who are going to need backup testicles.
A conjuration spell which immediately cleans up your bedroom, lights candles, puts silk sheets on the bed and plays romantic music, for those people who haven't learned any date rape spells yet. Why the fuck is this 4th-level for wizards and
A divination spell. Apparently this comes up a lot? It was invented by - wait for it - a young college wizard, who
scribbled it on a piece of scroll paper and tucked it into a copy of ‘Old Boore’s Almanac’ in the college library. It was rediscovered several years later, along with a small packet of dried mushrooms and a pornographic depiction of Ehlonna and a
Mordykenen’s Wonderful Brothel:
No idea why this spell is 8th-level or who Mordykenen (
) is, but you basically open a portal to a personalised lair on the Plane of Lust, staffed with willing --
Did I mention the Plane of Lust is a thing in this book?
It's a thing.
Anyway, this spell is basically Mordenkainen's Magnificent Mansion, only staffed with outsiders who want to tickle your Elmo. They're willing this time, though.
Anyway, I'm tiring of this, so I'm going to bed. Next time: More spells, and we finally get to the lillend rape I promised.
What the fuck am I reading?
Original SA post
Nymphology Part 5: What the fuck am I reading?
More spells! Whee!
If you can't be bothered, skip to the end for the part where I flip out.
This cantrip is... a bit odd. Apparently, if you wake up with an erection, you can use this spell to "preserve" it for later use. Not
, mind. Preserve. So you now have an erection for "4 hours + 1 hour/level". It doesn't actually say you have to cast it in the morning, too. Permanent erection, anyone?
Movable Pleasure Zone:
Can make any part of one creature's body their "primary pleasure zone", become extremely sensitive to pleasure. And pain, for some reason. Does not actually give any mechanical benefit, but now I guess all those illusionists masturbating in taverns can just stroke their knee instead.
Can give a room some bow-chikka-bow-wow music. For some reason you roll Will to disbelieve.
This spell "creates a shadowy dream visitor that goes to the target in the night and engages them in vigorous rumpy-pumpy", until they wake up exhausted. They get no benefits of resting for that night, cannot prepare spells, and cannot become "sexually aroused" for 24 hours. So basically, it's a spell that rapes someone in their dreams for hours, denying them a good night's rest. Hilarious!
Onestrum's Personal Fluidic Enhancer:
A cantrip that... makes you capable of producing large amounts of semen. I guess that's handy? The duration is "Instantaneous", which possibly means the actual effects of the spell are permanent.
Percy's Personal Prophylactic:
Unless I am missing something this is one of the few not-a-shitty-pun names in the book. It's a cantrip that protects you from STDs and prevents pregnancy. Handy, I suppose, but why is this bumped up to a 1st-level spell for bards?
A save-or-die. It creates an illusion of something the target finds erotic. Will to disbelieve, and a Fort save if you fail that! If you succeed on Fort you're affected by
(it'll pop up later, but long story short it's a save-or-die that stops them doing anything), and if you fail you're stunned for 1d6 hours. It is 3rd-level, and basically a superior
Makes you irresistible to the opposite sex, giving you a bonus to some social checks. Level 2 for wizards and level 3 for bards, for some reason. Amusingly, it warns that the caster has to "put up with being pawed, groped and otherwise harassed," or
the exact fucking thing this book provides spells for
Makes a creature vibrate and feel kind of nice. If you cast it on a held object (like a weapon) they roll Reflex to avoid dropping it, and if you cast it on their clothes they take a -1 penalty to things, and the wording implies there's no save. The Reflex save is fixed at DC 15. Kind of useless, really.
Power Word, Orgasm:
Oh boy! This 7th-level spell does exactly what it sounds like, stunning creatures depending on their CON score. <10 are stunned for 3d6 rounds, 10-20 2d6 rounds, 20+ 1d6 rounds. It is one level lower than Power Word Stun, doesn't work off hit points, and generally has longer stun durations. Broken
Prismatic Chastity Belt:
Apparently commissioned by "king Randai" (
), this spell does exactly what it sounds like. Protects a woman from potential rapists, for example the sort of person who writes
Protection From Mingers:
Like the other
spells, only useless. It prevents physical contact from ugly humanoids who want to have hanky-panky with you, like the sort of person who writes
Ray of Nipple Hardening:
A cantrip, but if you prepare it as a 1st-level spell the ray becomes invisible, "allowing the caster to get up to all sorts of mischief". In other words, boring.
Shynara's Flirtatious Glance:
This description mentions the Innuendo skill, which I haven't heard of since I owned a dinosaur. Lets you send "a single run-on sentence" via magic to anyone you make eye contact with. No stated word limit. In the book's words:
With a single glance the caster is able to leave the target in absolutely no uncertainty as to exactly what they would like to do with them, all without a word being said.
Remember when Wifflebottom suggested using
to send someone creepy stalker messages they can't escape from? I'm scared now. Hold me.
Beer goggles, sort of. You can cast this cantrip on yourself to increase your Will/Fort saves by 1 but take a penalty to resisting attempts to seduce or dupe you,
you can cast it on someone else and "use their vulnerability" to take advantage of them. A spell for womanisers and those evil gay rapists the book was worried about earlier.
Instantly strips a target. Was originally for "ogling and pranks", apparently. You know, because stripping someone against their will in public so you can ogle them is always popular. The book briefly suggests using it to remove armour from your enemies, treating the idea like a strange "misuse" that subverts the spell's intent.
There's another spell here. I'm saving it for last. It's the worst.
A 1st-level spell that makes the target unable to do anything except defend themselves for a few rounds. Causes them to experience the "tense and nerve tingling set of sensations just before orgasm", and the reader to roll Will to disbelieve that Reginald knows what sex feels like except maybe a brief, unfulfilling orgasm and an urge to get out of there before the police arrive.
Summon Sex Partner:
I am just going to quote the book here.
Summon Sex Partner posted:
This spell summons a creature and binds them into your presence or that of a client long enough for a sexual act to take place. The creature summoned
may not be entirely willing
(some are) but is bound by the magic of the spell to do what is required and cannot return to their home save by fulfilling the demands of the spell. Beware of meeting a previously summoned creature outside the context of the spell or you may well be in trouble.
This fucking spell.
The author, Reginald Wifflebottom - hereafter referred to as
JAMES FUCKING DESBOROUGH
- has finally thrown subtlety out of the window here. This is a spell for summoning creatures and
literally raping them.
Here's the table! As with the old Summon Monster spells, you can summon multiple creatures from lower-level lists.
If you cast Summon Sex Partner III, you can have sex with a giant magical spider, an unwilling half-celestial, a minotaur, or 1d3 tables.
Some backstory: The reason I haven't mentioned his name up to this point is because Desborough once showed up to yell at me on the internet when I posted elsewhere about some
he is having with some lady, and his pants-on-head-retarded defense of some other guy whose article was pulled from WotC's site when it turned out he was posting elsewhere about how feminists are dumb and he wants to rape people.
But you know what? Fuck you, James Desborough.
This is not funny. This is not even
funny. This is a load of swill. What the fuck were you thinking? Who in their right mind thinks a book "with a focus on humour" is the appropriate place to detail rape spells? What, exactly, is funny about violating another person?
Why did Mongoose Publishing print this? Why the fuck did they let you
go on to write Quintessential Temptress
, a book about whores which claims to sink to even lower depths on the inside cover? Why would they let you write
about gamer girls?
James Desborough, you absolute shithead.
Next time: The elemental plane of Dicks. Dicks forever, as far as the eye can see.
Big Willie The Surprise Sex Dolphin
Original SA post
Okay, I'm calmer now.
Nymphology Part 6: Big Willie The Surprise Sex Dolphin
It is the place where lust originates.
It is a place where pain and pleasure merge as one.
It is the height of passion and the depths of
It is only available ‘under the counter’.
It comes ‘wrapped in a plain cover’.
It is the spiritual equivalent of a Red Light District.
Nymphology and its author (hereafter referred to as Oscilloscope Astropoff because I preferred using silly names) has finished "exploring, with a focus on humour" the realm of magical spells and ways to force people to have sex, and now it's time to go to a different realm.
The realm of
Chapter 4: The Plane of Lust
is a new plane that, like the spell for summoning 1d4+1 sofas and having sex with them, is designed to be "inserted seamlessly" into an existing D&D game.
What's it like, you ask?
Reds, pinks, creams and skin tones dominate the colours of the landscape with softly rolling hills leading to verdant valleys. Mysterious caves filled with hot springs and wondrous hidden treasures, lush forests replete with nymphs and satyrs under a pale pink sky whose clouds are dotted with floating castles. Here and there great stone towers and obelisks stand proud and everywhere echoes with the sounds of pleasure being vigorously indulged. The landscape is changeable though, always slowly shifting to create new and exciting configurations. Every pleasure or perversity is manifested here in some form, from trees festooned with hanging, bound bodies strapped in leather to the heaving pools where endless orgies form and dissipate. The air is heady with perfume and death is virtually unknown, the land is so fertile that merely breathing is enough to keep one fed and watered, though the air is thick and misty with pollen from the profusion of beautiful and suggestive flowers.
This is also the point where the artist appears to begin phoning it in. This page has some art of a naked fairy woman, except...
The artist has gone and crudely Photoshopped a naked lady's upper torso onto his drawing. I did a better job making nude versions of Sailor Moon art when I was eleven.
We hit even more problems on the first page when Astropoff fails to explain the plane's traits properly. It says it's linked "across to the other planes fairly strongly", and every time someone gets some action a bit of energy from the Dickosphere is sent into the world. But is it a transitive plane, or what? I'm going with yes because that seems to be implied.
Oh, also apparently you can use the "conduits" of energy that form between the plane and people getting off for "much more accurate travel" between the planes, though it doesn't give any mechanics save mentioning that you will probably be interrupting someone in the middle of sex.
Some worlds float closer to the plane of lust than others and some almost touch on certain regions of the plane. The world of Goug, for example, exists across a tiny planar boundary from the forest of leather. Replete with sex slaves in skimpy bits of fur and muscle-bound barbarians it spins through the multiverse blissfully unaware of the havoc the plane of lust is causing.
Any time a non-standard kink or sex act is mentioned, it is usually light bondage.
Moving on, inhabitants!
Apparently if you move deeper into the Dickworld things get kinkier and you could encounter "spanking, rough horseplay and tickling". I'm not sure why that kicks off this section.
If it can have sex, it is here. And doing it
Dolphins and rabbits in particular are all over the place, for some reason (
). Portals to everything from the elemental to the Abyssal realms are here, so I guess the Dongmension has a lot of really sexy fire elementals.
Movement! The further you travel, the kinkier things get. Always visible on the horizon is the city of Polyamora, which Astropoff consistently fails to capitalise in my copy, and that's the hub of the Penisplane.
"Features of the Plane of Lust" is apparently a great time to let you know that the longer you stay on the plane the more "lusty" and "open-minded" you become. No mechanical stats for this are mentioned.
More art of topless ladies with swords.
There's the Nymph Forest, which is full of fey who want to bang you - and deeper in, leather trees with entangling roots and ball-gag fruit. Thanks for letting us know,
Oscilloscope! Then there are the Waters of Lust, which means "everything is hot springs, and also the water is full of aquatic creatures having an orgy". So I guess the waters of the Plane of Lust are 95% water and 5% mermaid and dolphin sperm, which would explain why water from the plane acts like Viagra. Oh, I'm sorry,
The planar city of Polyamora is pink, made of marble, and the stores use sexual favours instead of currency and probably sell dildos.
It is at this point that the book decides to add improperly-bordered artwork of three wrinkly old ladies, one of whom is late to a dinner party, making a soup out of a stoned Voldemort.
Sometimes, earthquakes rock the Plane of Dicks. They don't do anything, it's an orgasm joke.
Also, "everything is suggestive". For example, "the fruit and flowers resemble sexual organs". Probably penises, because at this point I am starting to doubt the author knows what a vagina looks like.
Finally, there's a template: Creature of Lust. These natives to the Dickverse are red/pink in colour, "well endowed", energetic and "extremely randy".
The template changes your type to outsider (lust) and your HD to d8, gives a supernatural ability to make nearby creatures roll a Will save against having sex with each other, +2 Dex/Con and +4 Cha, 8 skill points per HD, and the feats Endurance and Bedroom Proficiency. Flipping ahead says it's a feat that makes you good in bed, duh.
Did I mention it can be applied to "any corporeal aberration, animal, beast, fey, giant, humanoid, magical beast, monstrous humanoid, plant or vermin"?
BIG WILLIE THE SURPRISE SEX DOLPHIN, CR 7
(Actually I am using the Ichthyosaur from Stormwrack, just roll with it)
10d8+60 (105 hp)
Swim 50 ft. (10 squares), 2 thrusts/sec. (in bed)
19 (–1 size, +4 Dex, +6 natural), touch 13, flat-footed 12
Bite +11 melee (1d8+7)
Bite +11 melee (1d8+7)
10 ft./5 ft.
Hold breath, low-light vision, scent
Fort +14, Ref +10, Will +4
Str 20, Dex 19, Con 22, Int 2, Wis 13, Cha 13
Listen +9, Spot +10, Swim +13
Alertness, Combat Reflexes, Great Fortitude, Swim-By Attack, Endurance, Bedroom Proficiency
Two dildos and a ball gag
Hold Breath (Ex):
Big Willie can hold his breath for 132 rounds before he risks drowning. This makes him very popular at parties.
Creature of Lust:
Big Willie the Surprise Sex Dolphin is hung like whatever it is that is to dolphins like horses are to people. He is extremely randy.
Induce Lust (Su):
All creatures within 30ft. of Big Willie the Surprise Sex Dolphin must make a Will save (DC 16) or "give in to their lusts, immediately stopping what they were doing and engaging in intimate and passionate relations with the nearest viable candidate".
BLINKIE-BIE, THE PRETTIEST BEHOLDER, CR 14
Large Outsider (lust)
11d8+55 (104 hp)
5ft. (1 square), fly 20ft. (good)
27 (–1 size, +3 Dex, +15 natural), touch 12, flat-footed 24
Eye rays +10 ranged touch and bite +2 melee (2d4)
Eye rays +10 ranged touch and bite +2 melee (2d4)
10 ft./5 ft.
Eye rays, induce lust
All-around vision, antimagic cone, darkvision 60ft., flight
Fort +9, Ref +5, Will +11
Str 10, Dex 16, Con 20, Int 17, Wis 15, Cha 19
Hide +13, Knowledge (arcana) +17, Listen +18, Search +21, Spot +22, Survival +2 (+4 following tracks or rose petals)
Alertness, Flyby Attack, Great Fortitude, Improved Initiative, Iron Will, Endurance, Bedroom Proficiency
A frilly pink satin bra with lace edging and ribbons
Eye Rays (Su):
Blinkie-Bie's eyebeams have a DC of 18. They include:
For wooing adventurers into bed.
For wooing adventurers and lust illithid into bed.
Blinkie-Bie disintegrates clothes only.
It seemed more appropriate than
Power Word Orgasm:
It's like a
finger of death
, only not that kind of finger.
Clothes to Chocolate/Cream/Oil:
has to do it.
Okay, I guess it needs to keep SOME save-or-dies.
Ray of Nipple Hardening:
Antimagic Cone (Su):
See the beholder's antimagic cone.
Creature of Lust:
Blinkie-Bie is the prettiest pink beholder princess. She is also extremely randy.
Induce Lust (Su):
All creatures within 30ft. of Blinkie-Bie must make a Will save (DC 16) or "give in to their lusts, immediately stopping what they were doing and engaging in intimate and passionate relations with the nearest viable candidate".
Next time: Prestige classes, more "subtle" sexism, "troll pussy" and maybe skills/feats if we have time.
The Problem With This Book
Original SA post
Nymphology Part 6: The Problem With This Book
I'm going to quote the intro again, first.
If it needs pointing out, this is humorous in content and intent. While the spells, rules and prestige classes presented herein should all be useable in your campaigns, everything is presented primarily for laughs. ‘Many a true word spoken in jest.’
I'm having two problems with this. First,
this book is not that funny.
Sure, there are jokes, and I did smile at a couple, but then you have the rape spells, and the "jokes" about cursing shy girls to have sex with random strangers or die because they wouldn't put out, and...
It's the kind of thing you find hilarious when you are fourteen and really need to get laid. As an RPG supplement, it's just creepy. Also:
‘Many a true word spoken in jest.’
What the fuck is this supposed to mean?
Chapter 5: Perversions of Power
contains prestige classes designed for a 3E game. Needless to say, they are not funny. The art is at least appropriate and not horrible in this section, just more pencil art of FANTASY CHICKS and a guy or two. Before the prestige classes, there are a couple of pages on blue mages and how they operate in society. Let me summarise them for you:
Each prestige class is 5 levels and (ideally) can be taken at about 5-6th level. All of them are arcane casters. Breaking them down:
A play on "agony aunt", the agony mage helps other people with their sexual problems. Apparently, most of them are just going it to "get gossip" and blackmail material. (Despite the whining about women sex advisors just looking to get gossip in previous chapters, the ability descriptions assume the mage is a "he" or a "they". The art is a pantless chick though.)
Also, you need ranks in the Innuendo skill.
Bonuses to social skills, can take 15 minutes to give someone +2 to Will for an hour (useless), all NPCs like you unless they know or have proof you're a trickster, and various abilities that let you talk people into doing stupid things (one of which makes them aware you're tricking them later). At 5th-level you get Blameless, which makes people less likely to focus on the agony mage if they're implicated in a crime, instead running other investigations and giving them time to prepare an alibi or escape town. They can also earn their Charisma mod times their level in gold pieces each month, aka pocket change.
Despite the assumption that the agony mage is a lying asshole, there is no alignment restriction on this class. On the other hand, alignment is retarded.
Stupid and poorly written.
‘Pussy, pussy, pussy! All summoned pussy must go. At the house of nymphs we’re cutting pussy in half! This is a pussy blow out! Make us an offer on our vast selection of pussy! We got nymph pussy, dryad pussy, mermaid pussy, succubus pussy, erinyes pussy, elf pussy, triton pussy, halfling pussy, troll pussy, vampire pussy, ogre pussy, dwarf pussy, rakshasa pussy, aranea pussy, centaur pussy, angel pussy, demon pussy, devil pussy, werewolf pussy, invisible pussy! And if we don’t have it, we can summon it!’
Incidentally elf, halfling, dwarf, werewolf and invisible pussy are not on the table. Sorry, WoD and air elemental fans!
The Mystic Pimp has to be non-good, which makes sense considering their main focus is
summon sex partner
. You also need Appraise, Bluff, Intimidate and Sense Motive at 8 ranks, all of which (except for Bluff for sorcerers) are cross-class for any class that can use
summon sex partner
. Good job!
More bonuses to social skills, and Alertness and Endurance as bonus feats later (useless). Also, can use Sense Motive against (10+the target's HD) to determine the target's orientation, kinks, etc. It doesn't say what kinds of targets, so theoretically you could use it on an illithid. Or your horse.
Later on, you get this:
A Fine Stable (Ex):
After a while of providing for their clientele with regular summonings and the odd captured creature, the mystic pimp begins to supplement their magical stable with permanent employees. Occasionally those creatures summoned will welcome the work and offer to stay permanently. Once the mystic pimp builds up a reputation this happens more and more frequently.
"Occasionally those creatures summoned will welcome the work" implies that often they won't, but we already knew this wasn't a consensual spell. And the mystic pimp uses "captured creatures" now, too.
On the other hand, it doesn't say those minotaurs and animated tables can't adventure with you...
At 5th level they "may prepare one extra spell of each level per day, however this bonus spell must be a summoning spell that the pimp uses to satisfy his client’s desires
(such as summon sex partner)
." Have a fellow party member declare a "desire" for snuff or something and bam, you can now add any summoning spell you like to your spell list.
Rape enabler, stupid requirements, poorly written. Decent if you interpret things the right way.
The seducer is always referred to as "they", but gets art of an unrealistically-proportioned topless tiefling girl instead of the mystic rapist's generic manly clothed wizard. Heh.
The seducer is exactly what she sounds like, and starts out with a +2 inherent bonus to Charisma and "enhanced appearance". At second level you get this ability, usable 1/day (2 and 3/day at 3rd/5th level):
a seducer is able to use their broad experience and completely shameless nature to say something so shocking and beyond the pale that all within earshot are stunned and some may even faint from the sheer impropriety.
When the seducer utters the phrase everyone within earshot, whether friend or foe, is stunned for one round and must immediately make a Fortitude save (DC 10 + class level + Charisma modifier). Those who fail fall to the floor in a dead faint and are considered to be helpless until they are revived.
You get no save against the stun. It does not say they have to understand you. With voice-enhancing items/spells, there are no range limits. You can stun a legion of orcs backed up by a tarrasque with a megaphone and a comment about vaginas.
Later, you can try to seduce anyone - it specifies
. (It also specifies that this is a supernatural ability twice.) They have to roll Will every hour against you, and the DC gets +1 for every consecutive hour and a permanent +1 for every day. Only "true love" is immune. Otherwise, it doesn't say you can't make that tarrasque fall in love with you. Just fly around nearby where it can't reach you and seduce away.
At the next level, a mere glance at someone is enough to make them roll Will or be unable to think of anything except you for 1 week per point they failed their save by. They now take a -5 penalty to Will saves against enchantment spells and seduction attempts. It does not actually say how long this takes ("quick glance" suggests faster than a standard action) or, once again, place any race restrictions.
Finally, at 5th level, you can make anyone you've seduced "permanently affected as though by a
spell by spending 100 EXP per HD. Dodgy wording means this could also work on absolutely anyone, so you could
turn that tarrasque you've seduced into an ally.
Because Astropoff apparently can't design his way out of a paper bag, this is the only prestige class I have ever seen which allows you to seduce a tarrasque and make armies tremble with a dirty limerick. Without houseruling, more broken than normal for caster supremacy.
A prestige class for wizard voyeurs. The opening paragraph mentions wizards scrying on "the school for wayward halflings."
Requirements include the Scry skill. And Skill Focus (Scry).
The scryer gets a +2/level bonus to Search checks while scrying, the power to "bypass, without disrupting the effect or alerting those under its protection to his scrying, any spell designed to prevent or mislead scrying" cast by someone with a lower level, an (Ex) ability titled "Never Forget An Arse" which allows you to recognise any "person" you have scried upon as long as you can see them, seeing through disguises mundane
Still Spell (Ex): From a great deal of practice the peeping scryer has learned to cast spells without using their hands. Beginning at 5th level, all spells cast by a scryer gain the benefits of the Still Spell feat, without the usual increase in spell level.
Through vigorous masturbation, the peeping scryer gets a metamagic feat on all their spells for free.
Some solid abilities for a scryer. Four Psyducks if the ward bypassing and free Still Spell are better than I think they are.
I need a shower. Next time: Skills, feats, why orcs are sex machines, and date rape potions.
Flurry Of Dongs
Original SA post
Nymphology Part Who The Fuck Cares Any More: Flurry Of Dongs
Finally, I get near the end of this shit. As I go to the contents page and make sure this is
Chapter 6: Skills & Feats
, I notice that Oscilloscope Astropoff (hereafter referred to as Chewing Gum) did, in fact, have an editor.
What the fuck was he smoking?
This section is pretty short, thank fuck. There's one last shitty piece of topless girl art. Don't care though.
First up, new Alchemy items, listed here instead of the next chapter for some reason! There's "sensitivity crème" (+1 bonus to non-combat dexterity-based checks (what kind of bonus? Chewing Gum doesn't say!
), lubricant jelly (+1 bonus to Escape Artist checks), extra-strong delouser (kills crotch parasites and vermin), orcish fly (an aphrodisiac), and hot flush (makes someone uncomfortably warm and they might have to roll Fort vs stripping, also it is often given to women apparently!)
Why is it called orcish fly?
It was noted that orcs rarely suffered from erectile dysfunction and were always willing and able to mate with species not their own, as has been evidenced by the large number of half-orcs scattered about the world.
Because orcs are sex machines, that's why.
Concentration check table which lets you know the DC for having sex (20+spell level), getting oral (15+), giving oral (15+), lap dances (10+"skill check"+), fighting "an attractive and naked opponent" (10+opponent's Cha+), and needing to adjust your tackle (10).
Why does getting sucked off make spellcasting just as hard as giving
New suggestions for Perform specialities (fellatio, soliciting and strip-o-gram are my favourites), and... feats!
Chapter 7: Objects of Desire
+2 to concentration and social skills if you use them in a sexy way. Pfft.
Mentions that the PHB feat helps in bed too. Yawn.
+2 bonus to skill checks when dealing with anyone you've banged. Requires the previous two feats. Dumb fucking chain.
Use Cha instead of Intelligence for spell DCs. But not bonus spells or anything like that. Good one, Chewing Gum!
is the second last chapter, and the one that makes me wonder exactly how old Chewing Gum (hereafter referred to as Pichu) was when he wrote this in 2002.
Armour is first, and we get the "Flattering" enhancement which gives you a "+2 bonus on any Charisma based check" and doesn't have to cover as much. Chainmail thongs go! It doesn't specify what kind of checks, but I don't think there are non-skill ones anyway. +2 bonus, so it kinda sucks.
The only weapon we get is a
pop up porksword
, which is basically a giant vibrating novelty dildo and a
power word orgasm
on anyone you hit. Costs 184,300gp.
Potions! Dutch Courage gives you confidence and a bonus to Will saves, Potion of Lust is here - not Love, mind, it just makes them have sex with the first thing they see. Great, rape potion! Finally there's Potion of Performance, which gives you the effects of
onestrum's personal fluidic enhancer
and Bedroom Proficiency + Endurance for two hours, all for 300gp. No protection potion, which seems like an oversight.
Apparently they were designed by Lak Wang (
) after he heard adventurers complaining that they didn't have enough fingers for all their magical "trinkets". This contradicts magic item rules.
Ring of Quantity gives you
onestrum's personal fluidic enhancer
forever for 500gp. Why the fuck is Potion of Performance 300gp then?
Ring of Girth "doubles and length and thickness of the member it is placed upon". A
pop up porksword
is twelve inches long, so I can't see why you can't, say... be a monk, get a
ring of girth
or some other boner spell, and
beat people to death with your engorged member.
Ring of Penetration gives you a constant
)'s ultimate lubrication
spell down there. So, basically, 500gp to grease your dick.
Wondrous items, finally!
The Bag of Fondling gives you a +1 bonus to Will saves against fear while you're holding it in one hand, will massage any body part you put in it, and lets you regain 1 extra hit point for a full night's rest. Actually quite cheap at 150gp, so if dipping your balls in a magical belt pouch sounds fun...
Balls of Voyeurism look like testicles, act as a
and let you cast
bernadette's illusory nakedness, change orientation
through them once a day. Scry on that necromancer, then take his pants off!
Carved Monkey of Spanking...
A tiny statuette carved in the shape of a monkey who looks guilty, as if he has done something very naughty. The statuette is about an inch high and carved of bright red stone. When the command word is spoken, the statue grows to a foot in height and intones
‘I have been a very bad monkey, spank me.’
Oblige for immunity to sex-related spells and effects for 24 hours, plus any sexual tension or desire you feel. For example, any urges that might explain why you would write an RPG book about sex magic, voyeurism and rape.
There's almost a whole page of chastity belts. They can look like anything - belly chains, piercings, crotchless panties, invisible, etc. - but all magically protect your genitals and come in the following flavours:
The basic version just seals itself with
to prevent anyone tickling your Elmo. Included in every other version.
The Alarmed version adds an
that goes off if you try to bypass or remove it.
The "Cured" (sic) version casts
on anyone who tries to groom your Snuffleupagus.
The Toasting version casts
for 5d4 damage on anyone who tries to Oscar your Grouch.
for 15d8 points of damage on anyone who tries to sometimes your Cookie Monster.
Guardian casts a
spell (I-IX depending on how much you paid) to protect your Big Bird in a crisis.
After that is Dayn's Instant Whorehouse, which is like Instant Tower only full of whores. It includes an ogre bouncer and 2d4 random "hosts/hostesses" from a table. Rolling on it, I get an elf, a succubus, a halfling, a gnome and a dryad. Hooray!
Hosiery of Laciness require you to wear nothing over them but give you
, all for 8,500gp. Question: If a man wears this, can he opt to
have his breasts altered?
Inflatable Friend... oh god.
The inflatable friend appears as a lovely companion of any humanoid race, ready and willing to do anything and capable of holding intelligent conversations. To anyone except the user of the item, it appears a simple pink balloon with a roughly humanoid shape.
Intelligent conversation: "Am I truly alive? What happens to me when I'm not in use?
Do I "die" when this item runs out of its 50 charges?"
Jockstrap of Impressive Lunchbox gives makes a +2 bonus to skill checks made to seduce or impress females and... that's about it. It describes the device as a small machine powered by a magical gem which "expands or contracts" to simulate the right package size to impress, then jokes that this thing will
crush your dick
if you run into a pixie. That's... nice?
Sexy Sheets are self cleaning and cast
when placed on a bed, immediately cleaning the area and disguising your bedroom date. Because I'm sure every woman would appreciate you busting out some sheets that give you the magical equivalent of a paper bag on your head.
Finally there are the "Vestments of Transexuality (Dress of Crossing)" (sic), which give you the effects of
finally, we have two artifacts!
The Eye of Undressing is like the Eye of Vecna, only it makes you see everyone as though they were naked. That is it. You can also cast
irresistible dance (striptease)
1/day. Since you can already see through clothing, there is no reason to do this except to be a creepy douche, unless the other players want to see some titties too. Why are you using this?
Finally there's the Manual of Lurve, the entry for which is mostly boring fluff about some guy called the Caliph of Pichii-Kyyn (
). Read the book for 48 hours (over a period of 6 days!) and you get, for one time only, Bedroom Proficiency and Endurance for free (Christ, this book is practically giving these shitty feats away!) plus a +2 inherent bonus to Dexterity and Constitution.
Next time: I finally get to the end, and Pichu attempts to cram as much rape and homophobia in as he can.
The Monsters At the End of This Book
Original SA post
Nymphology, Series Final: The Monsters At The End Of This Book
Okay, finally feel bothered to finish off Nymphology.
Chapter 8: Creatures of Lust
is the final chapter, where the author (hereafter not referred to because ugh) provides monsters for the DM to use if the rape monsters from the Plane of Dicks chapter weren't enough for them.
To help illustrate how they would actually work in a game, I have thought up a hypothetical party that would play in a Nymphology campaign, and pit them against these beasts. The players are, named in the same clever way Nymphology named people to stay true to the source material:
Richard Puller. Wizard/peeping scryer with a pair of
balls of voyeurism
who scries on the bad guy and magically strips him of all his gear before teleporting the party in to attack. When not in combat, uses
summon sex partner
to make love to ambulatory sofas. His player is fourteen and posts on /tg/.
Tits McSogyny: Sorceress/seducer who freely uses her ability to seduce anything on everything; in the interest of fairness, we will not give her the orc army she could have. Wears a
belt of chastity
. Her player is male, thirty-two, and weighs 300lb.
Mai "Giant" Dong, a monk who wears a
ring of girth
and uses Richard's spells to unarmed strike enemies with his massive, engorged genitalia. At higher levels, also wields a
. His player is only here to observe the trainwreck that is this game, and plans to post about it on the internet.
Deedee, a priestess (cleric) of the God of Lust. Doesn't get much use out of this book except for a
and any spells the DM houserules can be for clerics too. Her player posts on ENWorld, likes clerics because they're "overpowered", and has a flourishing neckbeard you could breed canaries in.
And what manner of creatures are they going to fight? Well....
Large circular shellfish, the bearded clams lie in silt or loose sand of the ocean floor, sifting water for nutrients and feeling around with the tentacles of their beard-like fringe for movement. When they sense a creature walking through the water they open up and lay out their ‘beard,’ waiting for it to tread near. When they do the clam slams shut around their leg with a snap and rifles their pockets for coins with a tentacle. The clam keeps hold until the poor person has lost all their money to the surrounding waters, then releases them, usually with a crushed foot.
The clam steals the money to lay as bait around its position as fish are attracted to the coins as they glitter in the sun.
It's a vagina.
A vagina that steals your money! Hooray, sexism!
Since these things are only CR 1/2, the DM has thrown several of these in, unaware that each has 2 Hit Dice, 10 hp, AC 19 and an Improved Grab that lets them make one attack and then latch on for an automatic 1d6 damage until "it has either taken all of their money or been killed". Richard spent all but one coin of his money on lubricant, but is knocked out in the first round anyway. Dong pummels the clams to death while Deedee's player describes her jogging up the beach and Tits, who is still just a sorceress at this point, does nothing because her player has gone to the bathroom with the hentai manga they are using as Deedee's character portrait.
Colossal Gay Al
Colossal Gay Al is an allosaur, an enormous dinosaur not unlike a tyrannosaur. He is brightly coloured, possessed of a rudimentary intelligence, a good singing voice and a demeanour as camp as an allnations scout jamboree.
Dwarfing buildings, Colossal Gay Al travels the world talking in a high pitched voice, rolling his eyes, drinking enormous cocktails, singing show tunes, flapping ineffectually with his tiny limp dinosaur hands and devouring communities whole when he is hungry, complaining afterwards that it will go straight to his hips.
reference is exactly the sort of "joke" I'd expect from this book, actually. Colossal Gay Al is CR 18 and has the following useless as fuck special ability:
Be Really Camp (Su):
By spending a full turn flouncing, saying catchphrases or being an over dramatic queen, Al can lull his enemies into a false sense of security. They must make a Will save (DC 15) or be unable to attack Al until he attacks them.
Colossal Gay Al is the henchman of this campaign's villain. (The villain is a woman.) During the fight, everyone makes their saves against Be Really Camp, and then Richard casts Power Word: Orgasm, immediately stunning Colossal Gay Al for 1d6 rounds. (It has no save, but Al has a Will save of +8, so he would have lost anyway.) He is knocked unconscious with Dong's dong and tied up, and then Tits seduces the gay allosaurus and uses him as a mount. Deedee's player has an erection under the table.
Found in places where lots of sex takes place and people do not necessarily clean up well after themselves, the creamy ooze forms were the ‘stuff of life’ meets certain chemical reagents. Often surviving in the back alleys by catching pets beating them unconscious and slowly dissolving them, as well as feeding on rubbish the creamy ooze can be an unwelcome surprise for urban explorers.
Yes. It's a giant blob of man juice.
It takes a successful spot check (DC 15) to recognise motionless creamy ooze for anything other than a big puddle of jism. Obviously this camouflage is only effective where you might expect to find such phenomena, such as a brothel.
In this campaign setting, you would expect to see
man-sized puddles of semen
in a brothel. Just kind of lying around.
They're in a brothel. Actually, Richard is in the tavern across the street, scrying on the brothel. Wang uses his
this time because he is not touching that. The DM has the blob focus on Deedee anyway, and her player describes her reaction to it splashing all over her while looking extremely distracted. Tits's player has to leave early because his mother said he had to be home by eight, but they defeat it when Richard joins them after being kicked out of the tavern for masturbating under the table.
Giant crabs, lobsters, bard’s bane, the dreaded knob nobbler, these vermin go by many names and are spoken of in horror by any who have had a case of them, and terrified awe by those who have not yet had ‘the pleasure’.
Enormous pubic lice, the giant crabs are an inch long with large front pincers and a pointed proboscis used for piercing the skin to drink blood.
Giant crabs reproduce rapidly, doubling in number every week until they reach their maximum colony size of 20 on a medium-size creature, increasing or decreasing by half for each size category up or down. Giant crabs are often carried by goblinoids and ogres, and can make a nasty post-mortem surprise for fearless orc-slayers.
I only pasted about half of the description too. Giant crabs carry an STD which causes Charisma damage and are also itchy, causing PCs to take a penalty to pretty much everything. Luckily, they have one hit point.
Deedee gets these from an orc during a "private" roleplay session, which lasts for several sessions until the entire rest of the party catches it, except Dong. Dong's player posts this in the Worst Experiences thread (but does not actually leave the game), and all the crabs die the first time someone casts
on the party.
One-Eyed Trouser Snake
The one-eyed trouser snake is a remarkable creature. Short and stubby for a snake, pink in colour with amazing tactile ridges and bumps and a beautiful patina of blue veins running over it, the trouser snake rarely gets the attention it deserves as a beautiful and magnificent animal.
The trouser snake is extremely friendly, forming an immediate bond with anyone who pets it and provides it with a warm place to sleep. Many people strive to collect the largest and most magnificent trouser snake they can.
Vagina monster = horrible thing that steals your money.
Penis monster = majestic creature people collect like Pokemon.
Yet another less-than-CR-1 creature, so this is at the start of the campaign. Dong's character laughs too hard to actually do anything, while Tits tries to adopt it as a pet and kiss it. Unfortunately, trouser snakes only bond with men, so Richard takes it as a familiar. Deedee's player asks if it's going to rape him. The DM says no, but fortunately the trouser snake has a "spray attack". Deedee's player is cheered up and unwraps his fourth cheeseburger.
A porn golem is a perfectly carved statue of soft stone in the shape of a physical idyll, usually fully and impressively equipped with some even incorporating fountains. The porn golem is 8 ft. tall and weighs around 1,500 lbs. Its body is of smoothly polished stone warmed from within by magic, its stone flesh is ever so slightly pliant and thus features such as the face, nipples and phallus can react to outside stimulus.
The description goes on to mention that wizards often "cuddle up" to their porn golems. Of course. CR 10 but nothing special, except it can only move at a speed of 20ft. and has DR 30/+2 (
). No idea what that would be in 3.5, off the top of my head.
The golem beats Dong's ass, or at least tries to because the DM is annoyed with Dong's player laughing at inappropriate times. Richard's player can't do much because he prepared
summon sex partner
instead of any spells that would actually work on golems, so instead he gets out a laptop and posts about how 4th Edition sucks on 4chan. Deedee's player agrees with him, and talks for fifteen minutes about how 4E doesn't let you roleplay while Deedee slaps the golem's knockers around with her club. Once the golem is subdued, Richard tries to "cuddle up" to it.
‘A rose by any other name would smell as sweet,’ but would not crush the life out of you and try to wedge a seedpod up your arse.
I am not quoting any more of this.
Okay, remember this guy?
It's like that, except instead of a rabbit it's a naked humanoid, and instead of attacking it violates your rectum with a rough pineapple-sized seed.
The Siren Flower looks like a "hot chick", because the DM never describes any shirtless men and the players aren't interested. Dong does not fall for it. Richard declares he is going to charm "the sunbather" into having sex with him, and is immediately violated to death by the seed. It is killed by ranged attacks, because it can't move. Everyone else laughs, except Tits's player who is busy weeping gently into his third pizza over how he wishes anime characters were real. Richard's player flips out, because having his character raped isn't funny. Dong's post becomes the crown jewel of the Worst Experiences thread.
So, there you have it.
Simply put, this book is garbage. Its attempt to present a book about sex "with a focus on humour" reads like a teenage South Park fan's rape fantasy and there are
doujin plots that do a better job of pretending it's mnot just about the sex. There's also just enough misogyny and homophobia in this book that you're not entirely certain whether James Desborough hates women and LGBT people or he's a moron with a terrible sense of humour. It's the perfect amount. That takes
The rules it provides are either stupid, pointless or broken, the jokes aren't funny, and it talks about the creepiest possible things. Worse, this book represents the dark underbelly of the tabletop hobby - those rare neckbeards who actually think this shit is funny, who get their creep on whenever they so much as glimpse a female at a gaming store, who would not only include rape spells in their game but try to justify it.
But worst of all, the
worst thing, is that someone at Mongoose thought that demographic was worth catering to. Not only that, but they let the author go on to write
, a book about whores,
The Slayers Guide To Female Gamers
Sex, Dice And Gamer Chicks.
There aren't enough
s in the world.