going to do the game Contagion, which is like the bastard child of Kult and WoD but brought up by its surrogate parent d20. Also all the art is of this caliber:
Then my debit card had to be deactivated for dark machinations and apparently all pirated copies are corrupted past page 60 or so.
I could talk about Metamorphosis Alpha.
Let's talk about Kender instead.
Kencyclopedia: Everything you didn't want to know about Kender
This book has no introduction of the author desperately trying to explain his purposes, so we can only assume that he was possessed by beings of vast power, subjected to hideous tortures before they forced him to write down all they said of the coming Ubermensch. No, the author did this willingly. This isn't the Kencyclopedia, this is the Kendernomicon.
It throws us into Chapter One without warning, and the opening quote sets us up for the hurricane of retardation that is heading our way.
And another thin, I'm sick of everyone calling me a liar and a thief, and putting me down, just because I'm a Kender! Being tall doesn't make you right, and it sure doesn't make you smart! - Tasslehoff Burrfoot, Kendermore
A kender's concept of value is not in line with any other race. To a kender, a potato in the shape of a hero's head, or a rag doll with its eyes torn out can be just as valuable as a diamond the size of their fist. The potato and doll have interesting qualities and are unique in their own way, where as a diamond looks just like any other, so why bother with it?
Kender have pouches for the same reason chipmunks have cheeks: it's just natural. Kender have a tendency to pick up anything that is not nailed down. They do not do this out of greed, but out of the intense curiosity they received during their creation that forces them to to look into locked chests, sneak into guarded rooms, and reach into the pouches and pockets of those around them just to see what's in there. They usually don't intend to keep what they've found, but find that the person they borrowed it from has walked away, or that they, themselves, have wandered on. In these instances, the kender hoves the item into a pouch, pledging to return the item to its proper owner at their earliest possible convenience.
But if one can look beyond the insanity that kender
seem topossess, somewhere in their middles, there rests a heart of gold. (You must fully destroy this heart in order to truly destroy the Kender) No true kender has ever been known to be evil. (implying that any evil kender are actually just posers) When a person finds a kender has become their friend, they will also find that kender to be totally dedicated and unwavering, even if they do ignore orders and tend to get their friends in more trouble than they would have found in the first place. (they are like a crazy ex girlfriend stalker)
The tale of how the kender race came into being is a pretty well known legend, but each race has its own take on what exactly happened. Gnomes say kender and dwarves were born of gnomes, dwarves say they were Reorx's favorite and that gnojmes and kender were accidents born from dwarves, and kender usually have a different story in every telling. Well I'm going to share with you the Kender Origin Tale my Uncle Ninefingers (okay I take it back, some Kender have cool names) used to tell me when I was just a little kender. I hope you enjoy it. - Kipper Snifferdoo
The Kendernomicon pdf file sits on a flash drive. On this particular computer, it is the D drive.
It is almost as though the flash drive knows what's next.
Kender are typically 3 to 4 feet tall and weigh from 80 to 100 pounds. Obese kender only show their weight through pot bellies, but kender metabolism is apparently so fast that they can't get fat until they're old. Adult kender are also pretty muscular despite being thin and light.
Kender are rightfully thought of as children upon first glance, but they have pointed ears, face wrinkles and again, these pouches that they keep bringing up. Maybe they are like cheek pouches. Also apparently face wrinkles are a major turn on for most kender. So the older they are, the hotter. Wait, then it goes on to say that they look young their entire life, forcing some kender women to dry out their skin in order to gain that "aged" look. They also have light skin, generally.
Their hair ranges from light blond to deep brown with red-orange hues. They generally have long hair and wear it in a topknot. They also like to add colored ribbons and shit. The only kender above using the topknot are the nobles. Their eye colors are about the same as human eye range with an emphasis on green.
Red hair, light skin, green eyes? Mother of god, an entire race of ginger children.
it continues by saying that when a kender taunts an opponent, they screech insults at them. They also prefer rustic looking clothes that have more pouches than Nomura has belts.
There is an inner force in all kender that drives them to investigate dark places, try new experiences, and ask questions no one dares to ask. From their creation, they have always been curious of everything, everyone, and everyplace. An old kender saying is "If you find an open door go inside, and if you find a locked door open it." They are born with the heart of an explorer and very rarely deny their natural calling. Kender can understand the need for caution, and in some situations, such as pregnant mothers or situations where their friends may be hurt as a direct result of their snooping about, kender can curb their curiousity.
It's unsettling to find a member of you're party insisting that the Death Knight that has just appeared out of the shadows could be nothing more than an illusion if someone was just brave enough to go up and touch it, and then volunteer themselves.
But then there's lots I don't understand. Death for one thing. And sheriffs for another. Both seem to take a lot of the fun out of life. And while we're at it, there's the matter of hiccups. Why hiccups, if you take my meaning?
Kender tend to have a relatively easy time giving birth; scholars speculate this is because kender in general have such a high rate of mortality once they reach the age of wanderlust. (It's a widely known fact that trying to see who can out run a dragon is not conductive to a long life, but it can be very exciting!
Kender that are having half-kender babies find that the child is closer to a human size baby, but they seem to have no additional problems bearing them.
Infant kender are much like
humanmammal babies. They need to sleep and eat in alternating patterns.
When a child hears a tale of how their Uncle Slipknot managed to write himself a pardon letter, thereby saving himself from execution from an elven trial, they want to learn how to write. When the latest craze among young teenage kender is learning how to taunt in minotaur, they learn how to speak an additional language.
Survival skills are taught through forages into the wild and wilderness games, such as the Graygem Scavenger Hunt or Goatsucker chases .
There is an affliction known as the "Laz-a-bout" which is sometimes thought to be a kender tale, as it is so rare. But this condition is the result of a lack of wanderlust. In very rare cases, you will find a kender that just never felt the urge to stray from home. These kender are sadly looked down upon in the kender community, but not in a scornful way. There are also those kender that have received some handicap that make them unable to participate in wanderlust. Special effort is always taken by their community to bring them tales of the outside world or lead them on adventures of their own. Thankfully, these cases are few and far between.
I really don't want to reread the entire kender thing on adulthood on so here is what I remember
they're basically the same as adults as they are the rest of their lives: annoyingly loyal and try too hard to be cute
if they meet a nice kender on the road they share pickup lines and then bone
otherwise they play this tag game where you get blindfolded and then if the last kender you tag is the one you love then you marry them
also weddings are entirely ad-libbed and can go on for hours and hours and hours
instead of wedding gifts the relatives just dump whatever they have in their pouches at the time for the groom "oh hey thanks a dead bird"
now the adventuring party not only has to deal with two kender but they also have to deal with them being all sappy and lovey dovey, telling rhymes and shit
and if they're apart for too long they both get sad
also they're totally not sluts even though the rest of their characterization is "they will do what they feel like"
now, kender construction workers are apparently easily duped. all you have to do is tell them a really bitchin story and they won't stop until its finished. So just go schezerade on their asses and get a tower to be god from
Kender elders are the kender who have the most wisdom (read; didn't get killed) and are too pathetic to do any other work so they just tell stories and stuff
they're always like children, regardless of age. they don't comprehend their own mortality.
Death is the "last big adventure" and their funerals are pretty awesome: they make a map into the afterlife to represent where their fallen comrade will go next. Then their burial depends where they live in.
They only have three laws:
Never betray a friend
Always cherish life
Never use something that somebody isn't done with
Punishments range from community service (which kender would be doing anyway) or expulsion from the village for crimes of a terrible magnitude
They have no Elder candidates. THey just vote in a clusterfuck of opinions. There's a SO FUNNEH anecdote about how they once elected a billy goat as elder. Oh, you Kender. You're so lovable!
As an elder you can make up any laws you want but if you break them you just get a finger wagging or something
The Kender calendar is remarkably similar to our own, despite them being in a wholly separate universe.
The days of the week, starting with monday: Light Day, Fire Day, Winds Day, Waters Day, Ground Day, Shadow D
I just can't take it anymore. Having to reread this feels like I'm grinding my brain on a cheese grater. And not one of those fancy MegaChop ones on the infomrcials. The old kind, one with thick layers of various, foreign cheeses encrusted around it.
Kender culture is just boring . The only thing worthwhile in this chapter is that it provides us a hint of the Cataclysm, the one thing that Kender can't joke about.
Also there's a section that says even though they're ADD afflicted manchildren they're totally awesome in war because they taunt their enemies into submission
the chapter basically restates these things over and over:
Kender are loyal
Kender are funny
Kender are adorable
Kender are our friends
Kender take stuff but it's cute when they do it because KENDER
Kender treat romance like a group of particularly twisted erotic roleplayers
Kender are a terrible race but their cousins are really awesome
So instead I'm going to talk about their cousins.
TYPES OF KENDER
The True kender had two fucking chapters about them, and here was a summary, right here, this whole time.
If you had a gun pointed at your head and the terrorist asked you what alignment you think a Kender should be, you'd probably say "chaotic neutral", right? He'd then blow your head off because they're CHAOTIC GOOD BECAUSE THEY ARE SO NICE AND LOYAL
Hmm. Again, a mysterious mention of "Afflicted Kender" and some dude named Maleficstyx or something
Long ago, in a distant land, Malystryx the Red Dragon saw the Kender and was like "Holy. Shit. My manhood is rotting every infinitely short and long moment of existence I let these fucks exist. I know I'm supposed to be evil, but nobody is so evil as to let a race of mandchildren exist. If I let this slide, I may be ripped from reality itself to answer for my crimes. In the court of reality, inaction is just as bad as action."
So she burnt Kendermore, the homeland of all kender, to the fucking ground.
Supposedly she was flying around taking over the entire world, something about a "Second Cataclysm", I have never read any Dragonlance anything, so forgive my ignorance.
Anyway, seeing their homeland burnt to the ground taught those that survived that the world ain't all being cute and shit. They learned fear. They saw what their people were. They distanced themselves, and so the "True Kender" started calling them "Afflicted Kender", as though this were a disease.
Now, you can't tell the difference between the Kender by their actions at first. They're both curious and talkative, but when it comes to blows, Afflicted Kender are hesitant. Maybe they shouldn't just waltz on in that next room. It might be trapped, or worse, it might contain spiders! Spider traps, even! What a normal kender would want is what the Afflicted avoid.
The book then goes on to say that they aren't anything like normal kender at all. Make up your mind, book! They're apparently so mean and callous that the only good thing they can do is kill dragons. They are described as "brooding, quiet, vengeful".
They also like DARK CLOTHING and are prone to MYSTICISM, because "if the gods are so good, why did they allow that to happen?". Males give themselves new names such as, and I wish I was making this up, Blight, Cutter, Lefty, Mavrik, Rusty, Scar, Shade, Skorch, Tracker and Trundell. Females prefer names like Ash, Belladonna, Blister, Cindra, Cycillia, Drifter, Endra, Moonwillow, Tepid, Whisper.
Their last names are things like Darkwatcher, Emptypouch, Fellstepper, Lockbreaker, Milerunner, Nightrunner, Shadewalker, Singeheel, Stubtoe, Tripspring.
So, we get something potentially cool out of the Kender, Kender that have "grown up" so to speak, and then the book ruins it by making them into goths.
Oh, oh my fuck. I can't do the next one yet. I don't have enough booze in my system to do Half-Kender. In the first paragraph it tells us that they are mostly the result of a human male and a kender female.
I'm sorry guys. Kender are just so...
It's not even Fields tier terrible. It's better than that. It's just so fucking boring that it makes MOTOCAUST look better.
What do you say? Should I finish what I started like a man or should I just say "fuck it" and review "Dark Fantasy" settings for D&D.
Even though Kencyclopedia has some groan worthy things in it, it isn't worth slogging through. The book ultimately ends up being a collection of puns utilizing the letter "K".