a Garbage Fire of Edginess, Grimdark, Rape, Piss, Blood, Titties, and of course LOTS OF GROG
Original SA post
Fool! You have desecrated the Holy Purpose of this Project! You have broken the bonds of the Hellpit! Damn you, you fool! For now I must CLEANSE THIS THREAD!
The only thing that can save us... is one of the Worst. There are many Worst Things. Worst Games, Worst Settings, Worst Adventures. Here I bring you: The Worst Bestiary.
A product of writer:
Lusus Naturae is a third party Bestiary for Legends of the Flame Princess and Other OSR Roleplaying Games.
It got funded through kickstarter and is a Garbage Fire of Edginess, Grimdark, Rape, Piss, Blood, Titties, and of course LOTS OF GROG.
Original SA post
Are you ready for this to suck baby? Since this is a Monster Manual, we'll whip through quick! Lots of quotes incoming for shitty mechanics and lore baby! So, let's meet the First Monster!
Warning: Jenga Tower made of Dismembered Children
Okay so. Some things about the Abstruct are kinda cool. First, they're not inherently hostile! They're intelligent and generally civil and friendly, and will gladly have conversations with passerby, especially about philosophy and religion. They have a special fondness for Clerics especially, and if you have a Cleric in the party it will gladly cast Cure Disease and Cure Serious Wounds on the players. It only turns hostile if you attack it or stop it from fulfilling its "sacred task".
In combat it can cast Invisibility, use telekinesis to throw shit at you, but has no other offensive abilities. If you make the finishing blown on an Abstruct then the next time you attack a monster your blow gets a one time-bonus of +4 To-Hit.
So, nothing special right? Oh, wait that "Sacred Task" thing. See, Abstructs just wanna build Citadels of Perpetuated Joy, great elaborate cathedrals! Made from dismembered children sealed by preservative saliva!
Yeah they build churches out of dead children. The explicitly have to collect them alive and kill them right before they're "used" so that the bits are still fresh to work with.
The world of Lusus Naturae is full of churches made from dead children.
This is a relatively tasteful monster. God help us all.
Original SA post
OK, in general I like this monster. It's a type of demon that has to be summoned, and is then bound to overthrow and kill some sort of ruler or authority. It's intelligent, and goes about recruiting and building a body of revolutionaries that it gifts with demonic powers. It builds its forces until the authority it was set against is destroyed, then it returns to Hell.
Overall, I actually like this. The powers are all useful in a fight, it's flavorful, you can definitely spin off some great adventure ideas or even give the players an incentive to summon one. I don't hate it!
Well, no sorry that's a lie. There are some problems with it. One, for some reason I can' fathom at all, when you summon one a random large predator nearby will give birth to a rapidly growing cannibal mute neanderthal. Yeah, it doesn't do anything with the Adversary, or whatever just... Animal gives birth to a man eating Sasquatch that grows up in hours and starts murdering people. Ok?
Also, the Death Blow effect is our first "Fuck You ~Signed, the GM"! This is a prominent theme in this book, where players do a thing and then.. "Fuck You! ~Signed, the GM".
Original SA post
Yeah! This thing sucks ass in EVERY WAY. OK so first off just it appearing makes all fires go out and become impossible to light, and makes all dogs turn rabid and hostile. So right away your PCs get blinded in nearly every situation AND probably have to fight/kill a bunch of rabid dogs. The book does explicitly say the dogs target the elderly and young so you get to have a bunch of rabid dogs eating babies and grandmas. Thanks.
The Agathist itself does nothing except come up to the party if they have a Spell-Caster of some sort (ONLY IF THEY HAVE A WIZARD) and asks if they will give it permission to invert all physical matter in reality. As in everything solid becomes vacuum, and everything vacuum becomes solid. It promises that you will be given places of power in the new universal order (no clarification forthcoming) and if they agree it vanishes and the event (which is not described) will happen at some point in the future. Thanks.
Oh, and it will randomly kill an NPC your players have interacted with and vomit their decaying corpse in front of the party as a show of respect. Because it's alien see, that's why it murders NPCs. Thanks.
So yeah, this monster purely exists so the GM can: A. Make the players torches go out at a really inconvenient time, B. Narrate a scene of dogs eating old women and babies, C. Give the players a chance to accidentally destroy the universe for no benefit or reason, and D. Kill whatever NPC the players probably actually like because the GM didn't like that NPC and wanted you to like his special snowflake GMPC not that rad old-lady barkeep your players latched onto but NOW SHES DEAD FUCKERS HAH!
It gives no benefits when killed.
Original SA post
It's a giant robot wasp. It eats pain.
It's very sorry about this.
It will offer to pay people to allow it to watch them torture others. It like seeking out Inquisitors, Executioners, Witch Hunters, and such for this purpose. It wants to make friends with you when it isn't torturing you though! So it'll make conversation and try and build a relationship! It still has to torture you though.
This killing blow has jack-all to do with the actual monster, which is a totally mechanical thing, so fuck if I know. I guess it could be a plot-point? Like, it's not objectively bad, but it's kinda random and doesn't fit the monster.
This thing is lame. It's kinda boring, only works if your game is full of torture, and does nothing interesting. Says a lot about the creator when he apparently just assumes torture scenes are common enough to need a wandering monster specifically for them.
Apparition of the Scorned
Fucking LAZY. Look at that art. That's what it ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE. A semi-transparent purple fern-thing with no detail.
This piece of shit is your typical "Eldritch Abomination" but it's a fucking fern. I don't care if it's 70 foot tall, ITS A HOUSEPLANT.
It's carving a giant 3D rune into the Earth. How? IDK, no mention is made of special powers to dig through earth, what minions or hirelings it would have, anything like that. So it's making tunnels somehow. When it's done it'll... do a bad thing. No mention of WHAT, just "widespread devastation will ensue". That's helpful as fuck.
In combat it's boring. Magic weapons only, 60 foot melee range, can inflict a poison that does 1d3 damage per round until a save vs magic is made.
Oh, and it fucks fighters: After the fourth round it will make a cone attack of acid that reduces the damage and protection of all equipment by -3, make a save Vs. Breath Weapon to avoid. Fuck you fighters.
It's a giant plant with nebulous goals and tactics that fucks fighters and is otherwise a boring fight with a giant fern.
Original SA post
GET IT ITS LIKE AURAL PLUS ORACLE HAHAHAHAHA!
It's one of a type of monster called a Sensor (Guess how many others there are! WRONG ITS ONLY 3!) They ... go around listening for misery, and hurting people who make happy sounds.
Like, literally laughing and giggling and happy noises make them super angry and they'll attack! It's literally just a wandering ear-ball that will jump you for chuckling. Most of its entry is about combat because that's all it does. And it is BULLSHIT.
The first two rounds it attempts to mute the players. Save vs Magic or lose the ability to speak for 1-4 rounds! It can also deafen them! Save Vs. Magic or become Deaf for 1-4 rounds!
From third round later it switches to... well a total bullshit attack. "heinous murmurs" has a range of 50' in a radius. Save Vs. Magic, AGAIN. You get infected with NIGHTMARE WHISPERS that distract you so bad you take a -4 to EVERY ROLL for 24 HOURS. Oh, and you get 1-6 HP Damage no matter what, it's just automatic.
Now we get to the pun. See those whispers are actually warning the players of future events. If a PC focuses they can listen to specific words and then take action on the calamity being predicted. So Aural+Oracle. Hahaha.
Oh, and it's damaged by happy music. If you play a happy ditty it takes 1d4 damage per round, or a silencing spell does 1d10 damage.
Hentai-Tentacle made of liquefied corpses and giant zits.
OK this thing is a sentient fungus that eats people in exchange for telling you the future. Like, if you feed this immobile fungus tentacle a living person it will give you a TRUE PROPHECY by answering one question about the future.
So first off, useless unless your PCs like human sacrifice. Also it destroys magical and cultural artifacts using the Ritual of Adumbration, which apparently also destroys the culture the artifact is from somehow?
If you fight it, it lashes at you like a tentacle. I fit hits you make a Save vs. Poison or be infected. The Infection does 1 damage per day until cured by healing magic. Then once cured, you roll 1d6 (it says 1 in 6 chance but ITS 1d6 YOU FUCK) and if you get that 1 in 6 (I assume a 6, or maybe a 1? UP TO YOU GM) then you roll on a 1d4 table to see HOW FUCKED YOU ARE!
That's right baby, your flesh falls off and you get a PERMANENT STAT MALUS! Oh, note how all of them only matter to fighters. Magic-Users are A-OK!
Seriously, there is a totally naked dude being disemboweled and dismembered here. It's just a Carrion Crawler guys, Jesus fuck why did I need to see a dudes mangled stumps
It's a Grimdark Carrion Crawler. It's a giant alien bug monster that eats people. When it fights you , make a million Save vs Poison or get a variety of diseases that gives you various stat malus until you get better, no cure just wait it out.
It can spit on you that makes you immobile and gives all attacks against the target a +2 for the next round. No save or avoiding, it just does this. If you hit it, it shits all over you and you have to make a save vs. Poison (Everyone within 5 feet) or take a -2 to next roll.
If any GM actually does this shit, burn his books.
This is actually kinda cool. I have NO IDEA why killing a giant bug gives you superpowers but whatever. It's pretty neat, doesn't seem too broken, hell I like it.
Blossom of Wounds
Original SA post
Shut up nerds, it's time for Sex and Violence AMPED UP in:
Blossom of Wounds
Headless disemboweled torso with gut-ropes all hanging out.
Okay, this thing is basically an anti-adversary. It's summoned, then joins some rebellious organization and works to undermine and destroy them from within.
Now first, let's get this straight: This thing's design is SHIT. See that picture? That's it's actual body. The bleeding torso and the flower are parts of it. Now, HOW does that thing... move? Like, physically do stuff? Who knows!
It's modus operandi is that it uses vague magic to somehow become a wealthy patron of a rebellion (where does it get money and weapons and property? Doesn't say.) and then it proceeds to personally commit atrocities in the name of the rebels, blaming it on their enemies, and escalating the rebellion more and more while working to discredit and betray them. Eventually the movement it joined falls apart into infighting or is destroyed by the authorities cracking down on them. 0
More torture. Woo. It has no killing blow or does anything else interesting. If you fight it, it uses psychic attacks to do damage.
While the base concept is kinda cool, so much of the rest of it is just useless fluff or wasted potential.
Yes, that is in fact a tepee made of flayed human skin. This is also our first NARRATIVE MONSTER! This sucker is Unique and has a Backstory!
So. Bruchsal was once a quiet village in Germany. Oh, yeah remember that Legend of the Flame Princess, and therefore this book, for some baffling as fuck reason takes place on earth in historical times. Does that make sense? Fuck no! But this book sure as hell follows that stupid ass paradigm!
Anyway, Bruschal was a village. The inhabitants of the village were rounded up the Malison (Basically this books version of Cthulhu/Shub Niggurath) and then it stripped their skin and their skin was turned into a tent. The people were still alive and conscious in their skin. Intentionally. Why? Fuck if I know! The Malison is evil or some shit!
Anyway, it was given to a Necromancer (Why? Wait till we get to Malison to find out!) where the necromancer slept in the tent for a single night, which lasted one thousand years. What the fuck does that mean? Who knows! But this apparently made all the skin tent people totally insane. More insane.
So now this flying skin tepee... flies around the world attacking people. Because it's crazy. Like, literally flies, max height of 900 feet. So... it's a bloody UFO tepee made of skin.
It's also Complete Bullshit.
This thing has 3 attacks, all are giant fuck-yous.
First off is Brain Rot! Save vs. Magic or else you lose 1-8 points of Intelligence, if it lowers you to 0 you fall into a coma for 1-4 days. Save negates. So fuck you fighters hope you didn't dump Intel! Fuck you Magic Users hope you didn't need that prime stat!
Memory Scourge is an absolute fucker because it actively removes XP! It removes 1d100x10 EXP and 1-3 HP per attack. Save vs. Magic to avoid but still, fuck you permanent XP loss.
The last one just look at this nonsense.
Ok first: Stat malus is bullshit, fuck you. Second, anything with a random chance of instant death is bullshit, Fuck You.
Oh wait, but that's not possible! Because this moron told you to roll 1d10 for the Bone Result! On a chart with 12 entries. Skull and Referee's Choice are literally impossible to get as written.
Also, is this just confusing or am I an idiot? Does this mean that you need to save not to lose a bone, but then if you make another save your bone *poof* goes back in your body? If you have enough HP could you eventually be totally de-boned and then have to roll tons of saves to re-skelefy yourself?
Okay, a talked to an OSR Guru from another source and no: This is permanent. This monster will give you permenent stat de-buffs on a failed save, and can do this attack repeatedly. Holy shit.
Wow, this thing sucks. No special things if you kill it, just whatever treasure the GM wants to stick in the thing. I hope your GM doesn't wanna inflict random encounters with a flying tepee that steals your bones, XP, and IQ!
We got penis boys! Our first dick! Full frontal male nudity! IT'S A COCK!
This is one weird ass confusing fucking monster. OK so appearently this is literally the Biblical Cain as a demon. I think? It mentions he's seen the Garden of Eden, which is nonsense but let's roll with it.
Cain is a very confused boy. He wants to do good, he's not evil at all! Except he has two bafflingly random compulsion.
First, he has a fetish for making people complete in asymmetrical gladiatorial death-battles. Like, he literally gets his jollies off by capturing people and making them fight to the death in elaborate gladiatorial matches with gimmicky asymmetrical themes. OK?
His other thing is he's compelled to find random villages, kill everyone there, and then leave one young survivor. He then approaches the survivor in disguise and teaches them to become adventurers and heroes.
Yeah. I have no idea what the fuck is up with this guy. He's just... really confusing. Like, he's got two solid ideas there? But not in the same enemy, not at all.
Original SA post
It's a naked lady with a squid-head. Like, full frontal, with tits and even a fully drawn vagina.
This is a unique monster who roams around the sea murdering peoples. Just... if you sail or eat fish, she wants to murder you.
She can summon sea-creatures to fight with her, has a poison bite that just does damage but nothing else, grapple with her creepy leg tentacles, and blind people with ink-sprays.
Her main attack against ships is a giant blast of water that she uses to blow ships in half, but can't hit smaller targets with it. Appearently she will also hire adventurers to do a Sea-Shepard and sink ships that hunt sea-creatures.
Okay so... I don't hate this. An Eco-Terrorist water monster is a perfectly good basis for a monster. The fact she can be either an enemy or an ally if your players are OK with murdering whalers is a neat duality. Her attacks and abilities are thematic but nothing bullshit or overpowered, just some minor status effects and pretty managable damage. So, mechanically, B+ good monster, would put in game.
As a DESIGN she's fucking awful. Why the FUCK does this vengeful eco-terrorist sea-creature have to look like a pornstar? Why a fish got a titty? WHY A FISH GOT A VAGINA SHE SHOWS TO EVERYONE. Ugh.
I actually really like this monster. Like, legit, this is the first monster I can't say anything bad about! First off, weird spider-squid is a cool design, it looks properly weird and intimidating but isn't grimdark or stupid.
The Cerulean Tanglers are intelligent, and act as guardians of forests and woodlands. They attack anybody entering their forest who is carrying metal weapons, wooden objects, or fire. It specifically doesn't try to kill its targets, just frighten and drive them off by throttling them with its tentacles from the trees.
It can also cast a Geas, save vs Magic to avoid. This forces the PC to obey the Tangler and fight for it, or else they will lose 1d6 HP every day they fight the Geas. The tangler will give the target arms of stone and bone and animal hide to go forth and fight trespassers in the woods. If you go with the Tangler and help it, it rewards the Players with treasure it's collected from previous trespassers.
Also, the scent-glands of the Tangler are valued as perfume ingredients for the wealthy, and can be turned into a powerful aphrodisiac. If you befriend the Tangler it can tell you what is going to happen to you in the next day, as it has minor prophetic abilities.
So, yeah pretty cool monster, decent design, fun gimmick. A+ good job Lusus Naturae! Keep it up!
Fuck's Sake! I told you to keep it up not immediately backpedal! Fuck!
OKay this thing is dogshit. Fuck it so hard. Okay so at first it's not so bad. These are weird ass inter-dimensional tourists that pretend to be normal people. They're very polite and act super gentlemanly and like small fancy trinkets. It acts very genteel and loves polite conversation.
If you talk to it and are rude at all, it tries to murder you with a bonesaw. Yay.
On the third round it opens its jacket and shows you it's nasty gut-mouth-hole thing that attacks with ice-breath, it's just a dragons ice-breath attack so meh.
Okay, so, that's what it does in a fight, boring, not very fun, maybe a silly random encounter? But god FUCK the killing blow.
What the hell is this? What's the point of this? Why does something called a Chapel Wight (Who is neither a Wight or involved in Chapels at all) make you compelled to manscape a dwarf? Also, carte-blanche for the GM to just KEEP SENDING WIGHTS until one of you fuckers assaults and shaves the nearest elf damnit! Is this an Enchanted Piss Forest thing? Does this guy have a shaving fetish??
I think I'm done for the moment.
Original SA post
Those aren't wings by the way, they're greasy skin-flaps. Greasy. Skin. Flaps. That's a fun thought. ALso, it screams, forever, all the time, even when sleeping. Just, screaming.
IT has a poison sting that paralyzes you, it can "Laugh" which paralyzes you in a DIFFERENT WAY, because this way has RANDOM TABLES.
He can do it once per day, save to avoid, but there is no mention of how it ends. So I guess you can just get a permanent -6 to all actions forever?
This monster is boring, and the stupid paralyses laugh is annoying and bullshit. Woo.
I.... I don't really know what to think of this monster. Except its... a monster that literally exists to torment NPCs and there's no reason for the players to ever deal with it? And if they do and fall for what it does they're goddamn morons? Also it's gimmick makes no fucking sense. OK so let's go through why this thing is fucking dumb.
First, it's from SPACE. Like, outer space. We learn that space-dwelling creatures don't live on food. See, there's no food in space, so all space lifeforms have evolved to live on the suffering of others.
Anyway, let's get to this things dumb gimmick. See, this monster can be summoned by MAGIC, and often time is mistaken for being a demon. It's... not, but I can't see any actual difference so why does that matter if it's from Regular Hell or Space Hell.
Anyway, the Colluder uses magic to trick and convince its summoner that they are some sort of destined Hero who has a great quest to go on and the Colluder will guide and help them on the quest but it's all bullshit guys and when they're old and wrinkled the Colluder reveals this and CRUSHES THEIR SOUL and EATS THEIR PAIN because:
Okay, so one: Why the FUCK would you ever listen to a being that you assume is a Demon from Hell!
Two: Its magic is all once-per-day stuff. Polymorph Object, Projected Image, Shape Change, and Veil. Not inherent, but once-per-day. So if you summon it to chat more than once it becomes incapable of tricking you anymore.
Three: THIS IS A FUCKING D&D CLONE. There actually ARE FUCKING HOLY SWORDS. There actually are SACRED GODDAMN QUESTS. This entire book is nothing BUT horrible monsters! IT tricks you into doing WHAT YOU DO ANY FUCKING WAY. Like, it's not even cruel manipulation to convince adventurers to do an adventure that's fake! It's more annoying because it's fake! There's no actual danger! It's just an annoying waste of time! Did this fucker forget what game he was making these things FOR!?
I... don't totally hate this monster. Well, the design is shit. Who the fuck thought a billiard ball on ostrich legs would be a good look for a monster?
Anyway, its actual gimmick is pretty OK. It's basically a magical creation gone rogue. Originally designed to create Chimeras, it goes around using magic to warp living things into body-horror esque chimera monsters. It warps their bodies, combines multiple living things into one, and so on just for the pleasure of making new life.
If you fight it it fucks your body up in various horrible ways. Now, I do still HATE this because guess what? It's our old friend: Random tables that permanently reduce your fucking stats!
But it gets good again. It has a posse of deformed chimera mutants that travel with it. If you give it some animals or something to warp it does you a solid and gives you a 1d4 bonus to CHA, CON , or DEX. This only works once, if you try it twice it gets offended that you're "using" it and attacks.
So... not actually a bad monster. Change its look a bit, and jettison the goddamn random table of stat loss and you have the basis for a decent monster for a horror campaign.
From the same people that brought you the Ear-Ball, it's... Hand-Ball. Goddamn these things are the dumbest subcategory of monsters.
Okay so, appearently this disgusting finger-beast somehow can live in major cities and own it sown private art gallery. Why is a horrifying hand-abomination allowed to live in major cities and own property? Who the fuck knows!
The disgusting thumb-orb likes to go around to art galleries and museums, and if it finds an artist it likes, it tracks them down and chops their hands off using a sword! IT then pickles the hand and puts it in their gallery.
Why is the creepy knuckle-sphere allowed to live in cities and mutilate famous artists and not be killed by the town guards immediately? Fuck if I know!
It attacks with a sword or one of several magic spells that all do piddly damage but fuck up martials exclusively by making them suck at manual dexterity, weaken ranged attacks, and give to hit and armor penalties.
Oh wait, it fucks Magic Users too! Any spell cast at it becomes a random spell that hits a random target. Fun.
Next time: Evil Gloves, Weepy Ballsacks, Self-Harm Suezo, and an actually cool monster.
Original SA post
A Shitty Lich. Davinia Marrow was your typical evil sorceress type (She's also the one responsible for all the shitty sense-based monsters around, so thanks for that.) who got waxed by another evil sorceress and she basically liched herself into this gauntlet. Normally Davinia is an incorporeal invisible spirit, and it looks like the gauntlet just floats around doing... stuff.
So besides that plot hook she's more a weird... I guess big bad? She can cast a few spell-like attacks, most of which are total bullshit.
The first does 1d8 damage and you have to make a save vs. magic or lose a point of Wisdom. So, yay, more attribute loss.
The next is an area effect that does 1d6 damage per person in the area that doesn't make a Save vs. Breath Weapon. Note, I don't mean that if you Save vs. Breath Weapon you avoid the damage: You still take some unless EVERYONE with in 50' of the glove makes the save. So if she happens to trigger that in say, a crowded room with I don't know... 10 goblins in it in addition to the party and said goblins probably have shitty saves and there fore all fail then I hope you like eating between 16 and 54 damage with an average of 35!
She's also totally immune to all physical attacks, you have to use magic. If you kill her then you can take the gauntlet, which if you wear it allows you to cast animate dead once per day. No, she herself can't animate the dead, why do you ask?
Smells like an open manhole and leaks rancid jizz, and likes to stalk the funerals of children! See it gets it juicy jollies off on anguish and pain. It attacks by forcing people to experience psychic visions.
Not crippling, annoying, and just an excuse for the GM to jerk off over more torture porn. Thanks.
The death blow is also... bizarre?
I don't really know what to say, this is just kinda... shitty and weird. And lame.
Ball covered in eyes with one leg looking at an elf who is crying while using a giant knife to cut his own teeth out.
The Dismal Scryer using MIND POWERS to make you try to commit suicide. If it looks at you, you have to make a Save vs Magic or immediately attack yourself with whatever weapon you have on hand, and it can do this twice a round.
To kill it you have to dip your weapon in the blood of an innocent humanoid, or y'know... use magic.
If you kill it you can see through illusions. Also, you get some magic jewels it has inside its body for some reason.
Fucking more excuses for the GM to violently murder NPCs and just make corpses to make the players feel bad or some shit. Fight it and commit multiple murder, or just run away and miss treasure or XP. Fun!
Y'know, I actually like this monster! The Deseridatum is a chimera made by a now-dead nation as a magical weapon of mass destruction. The people that made it are dead, but it still lives on. It lives underground at the center of a massive network of caverns and tunnels where it is slowly building an army of insects.
Each head can bite for a different effect, all of which are fine. The Hornet can spit poison which gives a -3 to the next attack roll, the Beetle head grapples, and the Ant causes a damage over time effect.
From the second round on it can hit people with the claws and they cause a variety of.. well honestly nothing su per bad but just weird effects. You start barfing eels that do damage to you, but then serve you loyally as minions afterwords. You get super disoriented for a day, and afterwords are permanently ambidextrous. Your stomach bacteria become sentient and start talking to you telepathically... just bizarre shit. I don't hate them? But they make no sense with the insect theme.
Otherwise, it's not bad. It has a lair full of dead people to feed the insect hordes so it's got a huge amount of treasure. The Killing Blow is dogshit though:
Even the sorta cool monsters are ruined by this dudes fucking hard-on for mass death.